Not quite gone, yet. Someone sent me this in my email and I thought I should post it. If I had time, I’d turn it into a webform. But I don’t.

God’s Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

Newspaper

Bible

Torah

Book of Mormon

Koran

Other Book

Television

Divine Inspiration

Word of mouth

Dead Sea scrolls

My mama done tol’ me

Near Death Experience

National Public Radio

Tabloid

Burning Shrubbery

Who?

Other (specify):

2. Which model God did you acquire?

Yahweh

Jehovah

Allah

Just plain God

Krishna

Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)

Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)

Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)

Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

Yes No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. (Please check all that apply.)

Not eternal

Not omniscient

Not omnipotent

Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe

Permits sex outside of marriage

Prohibits sex outside of marriage

Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)

When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched

Requires burnt offerings

Requires virgin sacrifices

Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? (Please check all that apply.)

Indoctrinated by parents

Needed a reason to live

Indoctrinated by society

Needed target for rage

Imaginary friend grew up

Hate to think for self

Wanted to meet girls/boys

Fear of death

To piss off parents

Needed a day away from work

Enjoy organ music

Needed focus on whom to despise

Needed to feel morally superior

Graduated from the tooth fairy

My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? (Please check all that apply.)

Self-help books

Tarot, Astrology

Star Trek re-runs

Fortune cookies

Ann Landers

Psychic Friends Network

Dianetics

Cold fusion

Playboy and/or Playgirl

Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll

Biorhythms

Area 57 (Art Bell)

EST

Television

Mantras

Jimmy Swaggart

Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

Human Sacrifice

Wandering around in desert

Burning shrubbery

Other:

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God were you fooled by? (Please check all that apply.)

Odin

Cthulhu

Lottery

Baal

Beelzebub

The Almighty Dollar

The Conservative Right

Mick Jagger

Bill Gates

Art Bell

The Great Pumpkin

Ronald Reagan

A burning cabbage

Mushrooms

Other:

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer (circle one only)

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don’t know - what’s Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God’s handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)

Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 Flood

1 2 3 4 5 Famine

1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 War

1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 Plague

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress

1 2 3 4 5 Dubya

1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship

1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship

Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 Rescues

1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns

1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks

1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President

1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship

1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God’s Courtesy

1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers

1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?

1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 8th, 2006 at 10:58 am and is filed under Blather, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.