Baby Names
SpoonFighter Jr. is due in just a few months, and Mrs. SpoonFighter and I are busy trying to prepare for our debut as parents. We’re reading books and getting the baby’s room ready. I’m almost done cleaning up the broken glass.
They say you should talk to your unborn baby, to help it develop. Before we turn out the lights each night, I place my head close to my wife’s growing (but not fat) belly and encourage the baby to think about which chores it would like to do once it is born.
Picking a name is the main thing, right now. Most parents do this the wrong way. They pour over endless lists of names trying to pick ones that will say to the world, “this child has cool, creative parents.” Inevitably, they pick one of the ten, currently-popular names, and misspell it.
The poor kid then spends the next 18 years of his life explaining to teachers that his brilliant parents spelled it “Nicolas,” not “Nicholas,” and begging the other kids not to call him “Dick-less” anymore. Then a few years after college, at Thanksgiving, he announces that he has changed his name to “Ralph” and tells you that he and his “friend” are getting married.
The sad fact is that when you are picking a name, you’re really picking how screwed up your kid will be.
Name your daughter Jessica, and she’ll probably have a decent, mediocre life. Name her Jolyna, and she’ll need two years of counseling. Name her Jade and she’s going to be a stripper.
So what are we naming our little bundle of joy, our little Baby Spoon, if you will? Well, we want it to be original and creative, so we’re thinking “Isabella Caytlen” if it’s a girl or “Ayden Conner” for a boy.
—— Update added 2006-03-17 17:32 ——
SpoonFighter would like to point out that the last sentence is an example of picking a top-ten name and misspelling it, as mentioned several paragraphs earlier. Spoon Spawn #1 will not receive one of these names. If you must know, we are actually considering these:
BOY
Rutherford
Rabbit
Bob
Trouser Sneeze
GIRL
Delilah
Jezebel Jones
Little Debbie
Rutherford
March 15th, 2006 at 11:54 am
I caught crap all the way from elementary school until middle school. Then, in 1985, life became a living hell. Breakfast Club hit the theaters.
I wonder how screwed up I am.
Did you keep your practice pole when you sold your last place? - SF
March 15th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
Maybe the boy will grow up and date Sarah Jessica Parker.
Ew. 18 years from now, SJP will look like a leather jacket.- SF
March 15th, 2006 at 2:18 pm
Friend of mine works at a Catholic school. Direct from a series of emails:
—- begin quote —-
In two grades we have:
Five “Catherines”.
Katarina, Katarina, Katerina, Katerina and Katerina. I’m surprised to hear that they are all first- or second-generation American, not just using some name that’s old-worldy.
Misspelled for creativity: Jennipher
And two, count ‘em two, Sydneys. Like the city.
Zoe. Written zoh, spoken zo-ey. Like they can’t stick an umlaut in there, at least for kicks, they’d rather correct every other Goddamn English-speaker they run into. And some other language-speakers, it occurs to me.
Anne, spelled ANN pronounced ANEE, Leah, spelled LE-UH, pronounced LEE.
There’s a kid named Falk. Like, the Brits got pwnd in the Falk’s, or, “his name is /falked/.”
We have a few Mayas, at you know, /Catholic/ school. To be fair, there are also -mans and -manns.
Rianna/ Rhianna spelled Reaunna. Roux-ana?
Shouldn’t make fun of a kid named Sanjay, but Dr. Quinn, Medicine Sixth Grader is up for grabs.
Conar. They thought two Ns would be too many. Otherwise, don’t parents sound out kids’ names to make sure they never, EVER rhyme with boner? The kid ever wears shorts and stand up at the wrong time it’s over until college.
We have one Lilith, which again, I feel like I have to point out.
Colvin, because to name a kid after a comic book wouldn’t be normal unless you called him Cyclops.
JaFei. Just JaFei.
Cailee. Kayli. Ceili. Ceiddigh. What the falk.
—- end quote —-
So I guess you could go worse….
March 16th, 2006 at 5:52 am
Did you keep your practice pole when you sold your last place? - SF
Unfortunately, it was part of the deal. Had to leave it. I will have to install a new one. Until then, I’ll go eat some sushi.
March 16th, 2006 at 1:46 pm
We named my first daughter after a child star from the 60’s, not knowing that everyone else was also, for some reason. We also discovered that when yelled form across the house her name sounds just like both my name and my wife’s.
The second time around we went with an Old Testement name. Common enough not to be weird, but she’s the only one in her grade, so far. And, most important, it sounds different when shouting.
That’s an important consideration. I wonder how “Mephibosheth” would sound when shouted? Hmmm…. -SF
March 17th, 2006 at 2:22 am
I think those sound like great names. The godfather approves, they sound very good. Although I have to say as a comment to Clair…”Clair is a fat girl’s name.” Sorry, The Breakfast Club screwed up that name for me, as well as Brian. (neomaxizoomdweebie).
March 17th, 2006 at 4:33 am
That’s an important consideration. I wonder how “Mephibosheth” would sound when shouted? Hmmm…. -SF
Oh my. I grew up in the South. My name is one syllable, but my mother can make it two. So, taking this formula into consideration… at least eight syllables. *shudder*
March 17th, 2006 at 7:44 am
I love Isabella, but may want to check out the top 10 list…it’s been on there for a couple of years now…my sister just had an Izabella in December…
March 17th, 2006 at 7:45 am
Oh yeah, bottom line on name choosing, don’t tell anyone the name you’re thinking about until the baby’s born…at that point no one dares to say anything negative about it.
March 17th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
Ha ha ha. You guys kill me. I was kidding about “Isabella Caytlen” if it’s a girl or “Ayden Conner” for a boy. All four of those are from the top ten list, and two of them are misspelled.
I’m gonna call the little squirt “Bob”.
April 10th, 2006 at 10:53 am
hillarious, my sister just had a kid, and we were talking last week about how everyone of her friends has just picked a top ten name and misspelled it.