Self-Service Checkout Machine
Customer Disservice Playhouse Presents:
“The Self-Service Checkout”
SCENE
The curtain opens to reveal a shopper standing in front of a self-service checkout machine at the King Way Supermarket.
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please scan King Way Discount Card, or scan first item.”
SHOPPER: Scans card.
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Welcome, dearly valued customer. Please scan your first item.”
SHOPPER: Picks up first item and scans it.
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Thank you. Please place item in bag and scan next item or press payment key.”
SHOPPER: Places item in bag. Reaches for next item.
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”
SHOPPER: Picks up item.
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Purchased item removed from bag. Replace purchased item before proceeding!!”
SHOPPER: Puts item back in bag.
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”
SHOPPER: “What the hell?” Hits screen.
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”
SHOPPER: (To cashier) “Uh, excuse me? This machine is having a problem. It’s telling me that …”
CASHIER: “One moment please.” Taps some keys. “Okay. Scan your item again.”
SHOPPER: Scans item
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please place item in bag…. Pussy.”
SHOPPER: “HEY!!”
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please scan next item or press payment key.”
SHOPPER: Scans next item
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please place item in bag and scan next item or press payment key.”
SHOPPER: Places item in the bag.
CASHIER: Steps away for smoke break.
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “You’re mine now, bee-atch.”
SHOPPER: “Shit.”
CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please wait for cashier assistance.”
THE END