My Car
(Originally written sometime in 2000–GK)
I’m grateful for my car, but I’d never admit it. I hate the thing.
To be fair, it does have a few positive traits that I should be honest about:
1. It is completely paid for.
2. It’s the same color as dirt. (Actually, that’s because it’s never been washed–I don’t know what color the paint is.)
3. It is easy to break into when I lock my keys inside with the engine running.
4. From experience, I know that it will run on only 1.5 quarts of oil for at least three weeks.
5. It is too slow to get speeding tickets.
6. Did I mention that it was the color of dirt?
It is said that you shouldn’t go grocery shopping when you are hungry. I always go to the grocery store hungry. I go to the liquor store thirsty. And I went car shopping the day after I had driven my previous car into a semi.
Normally I am a saavy, discriminating customer. However-based on my choices that day, I’m convinced that, the night before, I must have walked downtown, purchased an immense ball of crack, and smoked the entire thing without ever waking up. I can only imagine where I got the money; I could have spent it on a better car.
Everything started with the classifieds. I think the ad read something like this:
Little old lady died and now her car needs a loving home. Can you help?
88 Honda Civic, cream, auto, very clean, no rust, runs great, 80k miles.
Only $3500. Higher Image Auto Sales.
Had the dealer been honest, it would have read like this:
This car was dredged from the bottom of a flooded river in Illinois, but the police removed the body of the little old lady they found in the driver’s seat, so it doesn’t smell much, anymore. You can’t see the rust because we dipped the car in latex paint from Home Depot. You’ll find that out in a month or two. This piece of crap has been passed from dealership to dealership like a stinky potato at eleven different auctions, which you’d notice if we hadn’t lost the original title. And now we’d like to unload it on you for twice the amount that we were overcharged for it in the first place.
At least the police removed the little old lady.
In some ways it’s an advantage that my car is such a piece of junk. I’m never worried that someone is going to dent my door or scratch my paint. I’m sure I wouldn’t notice. Every time I park my car I pray that someone will steal it. It would serve them right.
I am confused about something, however. When I bring my laptop home from work, do I need to call my insurance company to let them know that their liability just doubled?