Yeah, I know it’s Wednesday. Shut up.

I haven’t gotten anything quite bad enough to bother posting, until today. Only a single paragraph of a single memo met the stringent standard for a “golden turd” of corp-speak. But it’s a doozy.

The _ _ _ _ _ _ _ project team … will be comprised of full-time, leveraged and extended members, coordinated to deliver results quickly. Given the need for speed of execution, the team will work collaboratively on two primary areas, design and implementation.

Does that actually tell me anything? Let’s break it down.

1. “The … team … will be comprised of full-time, leveraged and extended members”

What exactly is a “leveraged” or “extended” member? Sounds dirty, to me. I’ve heard “leveraged” a lot lately, for everything. We don’t “sell things at low prices” anymore, we “leverage our competitive cost structure.” The other word is an abolute mystery to me. I bet these words would enhance communication with my wife. “Honey, I’d be happy to leverage that jar of peanut butter for you if you’d leverage my extended member.” Smooth like butta’.

2. “… coordinated to deliver results quickly.”

Sounds good, but why don’t you just tell them to deliver results quickly?

3. Given the need for speed of execution, the team will work collaboratively on two primary areas, design and implementation.

So, um, basically, the team is going to work together? And to make sure things get done quickly, they’re going to start projects and finish them? Holy Shit! That’s revolutionary. How has the human race survived without this innovator? I’m glad he’s one of the people with direct access to the CEO. Our company will dominate the market in no time.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005 at 1:25 pm and is filed under Humor, Corporate. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.