It’s completely obvious to any true Patriot that we must suspend the Constitution and stop the evil Muslins from building their mosque / jihad-planning-center near Ground Zero. But for those of you who aren’t convinced and therefore hate your country, here’s what WILL happen if they are allowed to build:

1. As soon as the Ground Zero Mosque is complete, mosques from all over the country will rip out of the ground and fly to New York, where they will join together to form a giant robot called Mecca-Tron!

2. Young boys and girls across America will grow full beards, and then explode.

3. Walmart will be driven out of business by Burqa-Mart.

4. Gun rights advocates will be completely confused when the government confiscates their handguns, but then gives them AK-47s and RPGs, instead.

5. On the TV show, The Bachelor, the male contestant will be able to choose not one, but four eligible ladies. But he won’t be allowed to see them or talk to them until after they’re married.

6. Black-and-white, checkered Keffiyeh scarves will come back into style, even though they only just went out of style in 2008.*

7. If you lose a library book, the librarian gets to cut off your hand.

8. Minor car accidents will be virtually eliminated when women lose the right to drive. **

9. The economy will crumble as America’s men quit their jobs to hang out in hookah lounges, drink coffee, and play backgammon.

10. Every American who is not a teenage girl will gratefully convert to Islam when Justin Bieber is kidnapped and help for ransom until he’s at least 25.

* Dammit.
** Ha ha. Just kidding ladies. But seriously, no more driving.

If you know of other horrible things that will certainly happen if they build the GZM, please add them via comments!

UPDATE: Check out History Eraser Button for a good serious post on the subject, with pictures of the “hallowed ground”.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

While the rest of the world struggles to cope with the global economic downturn and the possibility that the fledgling recovery may have stalled out, Germany has reported that its economy grew at an astonishing 9% annual pace in the last quarter. (Link)

Leaders from around the world condemned this news, accusing Germany of being in denial. In the US, White House spokesperson Andy Gibbs stated that, “We wish that our ally Germany would accept the reality of the poor economic climate we are all facing, and stop growing. Who do they think they are, China?”

Several representatives of the European Union voiced concerns for Germany’s emotional and mental health, but also expressed confidence that economic realities would force Germany to abandon its denial and move on to the other stages of grief, like anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

A prominent association of leading economists sent shock-waves around the world yesterday, when it announced that, “It is time for our profession to admit what should already be obvious to everyone: economists can’t predict sh*t.” 

In a joint statement, issued at the 2010 World Economic Forum being held this week in New York, economists from 68 countries went on to say that,  ”Some of us always think things are getting better, some of us always think things are getting worse, and of course there’s always that one guy who thinks that everything is about to come crashing down and we’ll all be eating squirrels next year.”

Speaking on a condition of anonymity, one summit attendee stated that many prominent economic forecasts of the last 11 years were in fact produced by a single, dart-throwing chimpanzee named Gus. “It eventually dawned on everyone that we could all save some time, and possibly get better results, if we just chipped in and bought a monkey. He’s actually pretty good. Unless he’s been drinking.”

The full impact of this announcement remains unclear, but the World Bank announced that it now plans to fire its existing Chief Economist, Justin Lin, and will offer the position to Paul the Octopus, who famously predicted the winner of all of Germany’s matches, plus the final, in the 2010 world cup. (Link) “If we can’t get Paul,” said a spokesperson, “We’ll settle for a Magic 8-Ball”.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

Rather than go dark for a little while and then apologize later, I thought I’d mention what I’m up to. Besides have been both sick and on vacation, I’ve also been pondering the future of SpoonFighter.

I’ve been half-heartedly/assedly blogging here since 2005, if I remember correctly, and if I include previous URLs, quite a bit longer. This year I made a conscious push to post more frequently, and to focus on both humor and current political happenings. I’ve also done a little work to publicize the blog, although certainly not enough. What hasn’t really changed in any meaningful sense, is traffic. It’s increased a small amount, but not enough to satisfy the shameless attention-whore that I am.

There are a lot of blogs out there. What is it that makes one stand out enough to become popular? I’m not sure. I think some of my posting have been pretty good. But the people who seem to care the most about what I’ve written are the people who know me personally. The bottom line is that to become popular, any creative work has to be meaningful or entertaining to people who don’t know the creator, enough so that they keep coming back to it and plug it to their friends.

So, I’m thinking about the direction I want to take this blog.

I’m considering several options. One would be to go serious, and really try to provide thoughtful commentary on current political issues. Like no one is already doing that. Another option would be to switch topics entirely: I’ve been considering starting a new blog, at a new URL, focusing on religion and spirituality (both my own journey and my evolving perspective on American Christianity) But, I’m leaning toward “nich-ing down” on current-events satire. The Onion is still going, but my other favorite internet satire websites (Lark News, The Holy Observer, Satire Wire), have stopped publishing.

And of course, there’s always the option of ditching the written word altogether and switching to something else, like podcasting, machinima, or cat videos, etc..

What do you think?

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

The fate of deposed-yet-lovable Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is finally in the hands of 12 people too dumb to get out of jury duty.

The case against Blago seems pretty solid. In 2008, when he had the opportunity to choose a replacement for the Senate seat vacated by the election of President Obama, the FBI caught him saying, “unless I get something real good for [it], [S-word], I’ll just send myself, you know what I’m saying?” and “[this] is a [F-bomb] valuable thing, you just don’t give it away for nothing.” And there’s plenty more. (link).

Blago’s defense pretty much boiled down to “that’s just politics,” “I’m just a dumb-ass,” and “I was just joking ha ha LOL.” (link)

If the jury lets him off, it will raise the question, what does it take to actually get busted for corruption? Does the FBI have to produce a receipt with the word “Bribe” on it? Does someone have to film you taking money while you sign legislation? Do you have to get caught in the act of having sex with a lobbyist in the governors office on a big pile of $100 bills?

At that point, Illinois should give up on ethics and just post an official bribery and extortion price list on www.illinois.gov.

Just sayin’.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

Dear Really Conservative People,

Look, we all know that you’re not super happy about the Lib’rals running the show in Washington. But please – you’ve got to stop the crazy talk about “oppression” and “tyranny”.

Beside the frequent references in blogs and opinion pieces, you have people like former congressman Tom Tancredo saying that Obama is the greatest threat America has ever faced.

Really? Greater than the time 600,000 Americans died over whether the country would split in two? Greater than when we were all hiding under our school desks waiting for the coming nuclear apocalypse? Greater than any threat posed by Al Qaeda? Guess so. Those are his examples.

And then, of course, there’s Republican Senate candidate Sharon Angle, who recently raised the possibility of armed revolt, saying “if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies.”

Golly! Things must be really getting bad!

Did the secret police kick in your door in the middle of the night to give you some health insurance?

Did a secret court convict you of thought crimes for watching Glenn Beck and then send you and your children off to die in the gulag wind-farms of Montana?

Did Obama steal your daughter to complete his collection of concubines from all 50 states and the District of Columbia?

No? None of that? So where’s the tyranny and oppression?

High taxes? Try again – they’re historically low. And even if they were high, that alone isn’t tyranny.

High deficits? If that’s tyranny, then Reagan and both Bushes were tyrants.

Universal health care? Our democratic allies in Europe will be so upset to learn that they’ve been living under tyranny all this time. (And you should probably stop dreaming about that French vacation. Wouldn’t want to legitimize the Sarkozy regime.)

Government bailouts for the banking industry? Um, you do realize that most of us keep our money in banks, right?

Can you still say what you want, go where you want, worship the God you want? Can you still own property, and conduct business? Can you still vote the bastards out of office and replace them with new bastards who are just as mediocre as the last ones?

You can? Then I’m pleased to inform you that this is not a tyranny. So please, put down the fear-mongering, put down the guns we all know you’re itching to use, and go back to just hating liberals for not being conservative.

Thanks in advance.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

Hello Everyone. Republicans here.

Mid-term elections are approaching, and we are poised to regain control of at least one of the two Houses of Congress, which gets us at least one third of the way back to controlling the whole government. And that’s what God, the Founding Fathers, and the American People would want. At least the 48% who aren’t socialists, terrorists, and illegal immigrants.

Before things get really crazy, we’d like to say a few thank-yous:

First, we need to thank the Tea Party. It’s so cute how passionate you guys are about cutting the federal budget deficit. Somehow you haven’t noticed yet that this is completely incompatible with your other priorities, cutting taxes and having the world’s awesomest military. Bless your little hearts, no one ever said you were bright. And thank God for that, or you’d probably remember that the last three Republican administrations were all very fond of deficit spending. But who knows? Maybe the handful of crazy wing-nuts you’re sending to Congress this election will whip the rest of us into shape.

Second, we certainly owe a big thank-you to you, President Obama. With all that “Hope” and “Change” stuff, we were afraid you’d turn out to be the leader the Democrats have been waiting for – a Lefty Reagan, if you will. But once you got into office, you were nice enough to let us lead for a while. Very sportsmanlike of you.

And of course, where would we be without the Congressional Democrats. You guys had control of both Houses, and for a while, 60 votes in the Senate. You could have accomplished so much if you’d gotten organized and played as a team. Well, to be fair, you did play as a team, but it was a four-year-old soccer team. So, after this legislative session, we’re taking you all out for Happy Meals!

Finally, we’d like to say thank you, in advance, to all you swing voters out there. You got so mad at us in 2008, when the economy tanked, but thanks to your endearing combination of political independence, impatience, and Alzheimer’s-like memory loss, you’re going to put us right back in office. And so we promise that, once we’re back, we’ll disappoint you all over again.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

I had originally planned to write about the Supreme Court’s just-announced decision on gun rights, but then I thought — I should write about something important, something that’s on the hearts and minds of the entire American people, if not the whole world. So, I’m going to write about the new iPhone 4™

Once, as recently as last week, I was just like you. I whiled away the meaningless minutes of my life doing meaningless things like … well, it seems I’ve forgotten, exactly, but they were things like you do. But now that I am the proud possessor — nay — guardian of this device, my life has changed. Everything is different. Colors are richer.* Sunsets are more beautiful.** Relationships are more satisfying.*** In fact, I lack the words to construct a sufficient hyperbole.

Aesthetically, the 4th generation iPhone™ is a work of art. Its design is as timeless as the Taj Majal, as enigmatic as the Mona Lisa, as armless as the Venus de Milo. Black, and sleek, it is almost entirely made of glass. Not just any glass, but (we are told) a scratch-proof glass that is 30 times as hard as regular glass.****

Gracing the edge of this device is a band of stainless steel that serves as the antenna — a beautiful synergy of form and function. Some recipients of the iPhone 4™, clearly unworthy of the honor, have complained that the iPhone™ loses reception if this band is touched in a certain way. But as Steve Jobs™ (Apple CEO, technical visionary, Divine Being) has made clear, these “people” are holding it incorrectly. The correct way is this: 1) lay the iPhone™ on a flat surface, 2) take three steps back, 3) with eyes closed and head bowed, pray that Steve Jobs™ will forgive you for your sins.

Functionally, the iPhone 4™ is revolutionary. It decisively answers the nagging questions of our generation, like, can I possibly waste more time on Facebook? Can I be more distracted when talking to people? Is it possible to make the Internet smaller and harder to read? Yes, yes, and yes!

The most revolutionary thing about the iPhone™ is the App Store. Before, a phone was simply a means of talking to people over long distances. But with the iPhone and its App Store, I finally have a way of draining my bank account in $0.99 increments!

In conclusion, it should be obvious that I spent all my time this week playing with my new iPhone 4™ instead of working on a decent blog post.

Sent from my iPhone.

* On the screen.
** On the screen.
*** Not really.
**** Sadly, the keys in my pocket appear to be 31 times as hard as regular glass.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

Here at the secret underground headquarters of CTDEGAAATHIAST (committee to destroy everything good about America and turn her into a socialist tyranny), we’re disappointed. We’re facing the realization that President Obama is too ineffective to bring about the socialist revolution, and that our effort to fake his birth certificate and his accent were a waste.

We know Conservatives think that if the country makes any left-ward progress, such as electing a President who is not a Republican, it’s transformation into a Cuba-like state is inevitable, probably within weeks. But it just isn’t that easy.

Just the other day, I tried in vain to find a government-run grocery store. When I eventually gave up and settled for a privately-owned, corporate grocery store, I could not find a single, bland product produced by the Ministry of Work’s collective farms. I was forced to choose from the myriad of options peddled by America’s agricultural mega-corporations. Later that same day, I decided to take my child to the movies, but did I find one film produced by the Ministry of Information? No. Worse, I doubt such a ministry even exists. I won’t even talk about my inability to locate a physician employed by the Ministry of Health.

We had a glimmer of hope that our candidate would follow through on his mission when the Federal government bailed out AIG and GM. Those would have been perfect opportunities to nationalize the banking and automotive sectors. But, it appears that not only are private individuals still in control of those entities, but they are repaying the loans they were given.

We are also gravely disappointed by Obama’s health care “reform”. Not only were doctors and hospitals not taken over by the Ministry of Health, but America’s health care system remains firmly under the control of insurance and pharmaceutical corporations. In fact, the reform changes so little that it is hard to understand how it could possibly be so expensive.

The BP oil spill is the final nail in the coffin of hope. An environmental disaster of this magnitude, and one that still has no solution or end in sight, would have provided the perfect opportunity to take over the oil industry in the name of the People. (Some of them might even have supported it!) Instead, Obama seems committed to keeping the government out of the effort to fix the well and clean up the oil spill, leaving it entirely to private enterprise.

No, Obama seems to lack the will and the ability to move the US even a little bit toward socialism. Forget Cuba. We’re not even France. Our dreams of a Socialist America will have to wait till 2012.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

Remember soccer? That game your parents made you play when you were five, with the round ball, the orange wedges, and the clumps of idiot children moving mindlessly around the field trying to kick each other in the shins and/or nuts? Did you know that in other countries, it’s an actual sport that grownups play? No, I’m totally %!@#$! serious. And they don’t call it “soccer”. They call it “football”. Personally, I think it’s a total rip-off and very disrespectful of America and the “real” football we play here. They might argue that their football was invented first, and actually requires the use of “feet” to move the ball, but what do you expect from a bunch of Socialists? We should probably drop some bombs on them.

Apparently, there is a big tournament going on right now to see who has the best “football” team in the world, even though none of them play in the NFL, or even Arena League. It’s called the “World Cup”, and it’s being played in a place called South Africa, which is next to France, or China, or something. The US actually has a team in the tournament made up of the best players from our premier soccer league, the AYSO.

Last weekend, we played our first game, against none other than our old enemy, the English (who have been itching for a rematch ever since we beat them in World War II). The English have one of the best teams in the world, and everyone assumed they’d win. But, toward the end of the game, the English goalie let an easy save slip through his fingers, and the US went on to crush the Brits in a 1-1 tie.

The English team, and in fact, the entire population of the United Kingdom, were very upset by the outcome of the game. So, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, the US team huddled together, put their hands in the middle, and chanted, “Two! Four! Six! Eight! Who do we appreciate? Gooooooo England!!” And then our coach’s wife gave everyone orange wedges and trophies.

This Friday, the US team will play Slovenia, and the English goalie will be beheaded by Queen Elizabeth.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend