In case you haven’t noticed, the economy is bad. In recession. Like what happens to men when they jump into cold water. Or so I’m told. It is especially bad in places like Michigan. Michigan is having trouble because it produces only two things, cars, and mosquitoes. And only the mosquitoes are impressive. (In fact, President Obama was able to sell Michigan to Canada for $37 at the White House garage sale last Saturday. Suckers. They totally paid too much.*) Just kidding, Michigan.

So like I was saying, the economy is in really bad shape. For example, the price of a six pack of my favorite beer has gone from $7 to $9. I want to know what Obama is going to do about that, dammit! When this terrible, terrible thing occurred, I began to pay attention and started learning about economics and stuff. I even read some stuff in Wikipedia. I would like to share what I have learned with you.

First, the main reason the economy is really bad, and not just a little bad, is you! Yes, that’s right, you: the average American. Our economy isn’t doing well unless it is growing, and it doesn’t grow unless the vast majority of you spend an ever-increasing amount of money. But what did you do, when you heard a little bit of bad news about real estate, and the credit market, and the stock market? You stopped spending and started putting your money in savings accounts. Selfish jerks. We’re not going to get out of this mess until you go out there and beg your credit card companies to let you have some more money and then buy eight or nine big screen TVs and a couple Cadillacs. Got it? Also, it would help if the population grew faster, so either have some more kids or quit bitching about illegal immigrants.

The second thing I learned is that economic hard times aren’t always bad. When money gets tight and times get tough, people go back to basics. They spend more time with family. They play board games. They drink more cheap beer. Most importantly, they draw upon strengths and abilities they had forgotten they had, in order to make it through. Many people are growing vegetables in their gardens. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are both working on new sex tapes.

I’m finding ways to get through, too. I tried making my own beer last month, ’cause I’m not paying no $9 for a six pack. Unfortunately, it tastes bad enough that college frat boys won’t drink it. And they’ll drink Old English out of a mossy toilet bowl. So now I’m working on a sex tape …

* Ha ha, I can say that cause I was born there.

It’s going to be hard to trust the election results when electronic voting systems are so easy to hack.

http://arstechnica.com/articles/culture/evoting.ars

Postscript, 11/19/2008: In the end, regardless of who won or lost, I’m glad that the outcome wasn’t ambiguous as compared to polling data. If there was any monkey-business going on in either direction, it seems unlikely that it affected the outcome.

I often hear or read people who argue that the reason we shouldn’t move to a universal healthcare system, like every other developed country has, is that we would lose our status as having The Best Medical Care in the World. The self-evident truth of this status is often thrown about as though it were part of the patriotic article of faith that we are The Greatest Nation on Earth. Anyone who questions it is in danger of being labeled “un-American.”

And yet, is it really true? Consider this story from CNN: Being a bad patient can save your life. Of course, it is certainly possible that the patient in this story merely had an extraordinary run of bad luck, and it is also possible that he would have fared worse in any other country. But stories like this should make us at least wonder if we really are benefitting as much as some people think we are from our collective decision to keep our medical system private.

Politicians running for office always promise things they’ll never be able to make good on. My favorite is the promise to “get rid of special interests” and “wasteful spending”. John McCain made that promise just last night. I’m sure Obama has made the same promise at some point. They all do.

What a stupid promise. The President doesn’t legislate. Congress does. So to get anything done, the President has to coax a majority of the 400-odd Representatives and 60 out of 100 Senators to act. Every one of those legislators has at least a handful, if not more, of “special interests” to look after. Maybe it’s an industry or spending project that’s important to his/her state. Maybe it’s a corporation that has been especially generous to his/her campaign. Regardless, the President isn’t getting that legislator’s cooperation on legislation if his/her particular “special interest” gets cut.

Even if a President turns out to be a political mastermind and creates massive public pressure on the legislators to abandon some of the ridiculous expenditures in the budget, a lot of what seems special and wasteful to one group of voters is really important to another group. Ie., tax breaks for big oil aren’t “special interests” for all the ordinary folks who depend on Texaco for a paycheck.

In other words, most of what’s in the budget is “important” to some portion of the voting public, regardless of whether or not it’s wasteful. Promising to get rid of it is a waste of air.

So my wife is going to see the Sex And The City movie tonight with a bunch of her girlfriends. Apparently women all across America are doing the same thing, and men all across America are breathing a collective sigh of relief that they aren’t being dragged down to the movie theater for Date Night, like they were for Pride and Prejudice.*

I’ve actually heard that there are some men out there who are planning on seeing it. Let me just say this: if you are (1) a dude, and (2) going to see Sex And The City, and (3) this decision is actually voluntary (ie., terrorists are not holding a gun to your head and/or you will not be getting sex from your spouse in exchange for your attendance) your manhood is hereby revoked. Please drop it off at the nearest ladies bathroom or scrapbook store. (You should also do this if you voted for David Archuletta at any point during the past season of American Idol.)

Ok, ok - I’ve never actually watched an episode of Sex And The City, but I don’t need to in order to know that it’s not exactly oriented towards the male mind. First of all, if guys had made a show for guys called Sex And The City, it would have been on much later at night and it would have been about strippers. And I would have gotten in trouble for knowing anything about it.

Some very basic research reveals that the show is, in fact, largely about shoes. And someone named Carrie, and her three friends, and all their dysfunctional relationships. They’re all really messed up, but they’re rich, glamorous, and sexy, too. So they’re just like normal middle-aged women, except for the rich, glamorous, and sexy part. Oh, and there’s this dude named Mr. Big. I think maybe he’s her pimp. I’m not sure. Not a single one of these characters has superpowers, carries a really big gun, or is a ninja, so why the hell anyone would want to watch the TV show, let alone the movie, is beyond me. Anyway, I just saved you ten bucks. You can thank me later.

* Ok, seriously, why couldn’t Pride and Prejudice have been a Girls Night Out instead of Chick Flick Date Night? I had to employ my trusty “beer belly” to get through it.

Dear Public Safety Professional,

If, in the course of performing your duties, you happen upon a briefcase marked “A-Bomb,” you do not need to lock down the block. Real bombs do not come in consumer-friendly, labeled packages.

Sincerely,

Common Sense

Link

The Constitution was intended to limit the Federal government power so that the State governments could, with a few exceptions, do whatever they wanted. Two hundred years later, thanks to the Supreme Court, the same Constitution is used to limit the State governments so that the Federal government can, with a few exceptions, do whatever it wants.

… that said, of course, I don’t think the answer to “what do we do about it now” is altogether clear. Perception is reality, and the vast majority of people perceive that the present Federalist order is the way things are supposed to be. Going back would require a revolution, and those tend to be very messy. We were unbelievably lucky the first time: I wouldn’t want to roll the dice again.

Fooled By Randomness, by Nassim, Nicholas, Taleb

Seriously.

The holiday music assault has begun. By December 26, I suspect all Christmas music will sucketh to my ears, but right now, but here’s the list so far of tunes I hope I never hear again:

1. That !@#% “Mr. Grinch” song. You know the one: really lame lyrics, sung by a dude with a really deep voice.

2. “Up On The Housetop,” as sung by the Jackson 5. How can the whole family be off-key and whiny?

3. “Felis Navidad,” as sung by Celine Dion. Actually, ANYTHING as sung by Celine Dion.

– Update –

#4. “Last Christmas,” sung by George Michael. (Thanks to danb for reminding me not to forget how much I hate this song.)

#5. When the !@#$ did “My Favorite Things” (Sound of Music?) become @%!!@#$ Christmas music? Cause this is the only time of the year when “KOSI 101 Light Rock” can get away with playing it?

My favorite sport is back, and this time the season started waaaaay early. Possibly bad (according to some) for democracy, but fun for me.

Not a sport, you say? Wrong! It has winners and losers, big salaries and bigger egos, players and fans. And, as with all sports, when the dust settles and the winner is declared, we can all hold hands and be friends again. Because regardless of who wins or who loses, it doesn’t change anything in real life. (Unless you have the misfortune of living in a foreign country our new president decides to invade. You should try to live here. Much safer. And very popular. You want to? Too bad! Nobody can come here without our permission! Unless you sneak across the border or something. But that never works.)

Presidential candidates are an interesting breed. They’re too intelligent and ambitious to be happy with a normal life, they’re too hungry for public attention to make it rich in business, and they’re not talented enough to make it on American Idol.