It’s warm, and Spring is just getting started here in Denver. We didn’t get a Winter this year, just an extra three months of Fall. I don’t mind one bit. Put a half-inch of snow or ice on the road and my 30-year-old BMW handles like a 2,000-lb, greased water balloon.

Usually I see at least two State Patrol cars during my commute, but today they are nowhere to be found. I put the peddle to the floor and let all 98 little carbureted horsies run free. Oh baby! I’m even able to get into the fast lane and do a little passing. So what if I’m only passing a mattress that’s fallen off the top of someone’s car. I take what I can get.

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SpoonFighter would like to point out that the last sentence of the previous post is an example of picking a top-ten name and misspelling it, as mentioned several paragraphs earlier. Spoon Spawn #1 will not receive one of those names. If you must know, we are actually considering these:

BOY
Rutherford
Rabbit
Bob
Trouser Sneeze

GIRL
Delilah
Jezebel Jones
Little Debbie
Rutherford

SpoonFighter Jr. is due in just a few months, and Mrs. SpoonFighter and I are busy trying to prepare for our debut as parents. We’re reading books and getting the baby’s room ready. I’m almost done cleaning up the broken glass.

They say you should talk to your unborn baby, to help it develop. Before we turn out the lights each night, I place my head close to my wife’s growing (but not fat) belly and encourage the baby to think about which chores it would like to do once it is born.

Picking a name is the main thing, right now. Most parents do this the wrong way. They pour over endless lists of names trying to pick ones that will say to the world, “this child has cool, creative parents.” Inevitably, they pick one of the ten, currently-popular names, and misspell it.

The poor kid then spends the next 18 years of his life explaining to teachers that his brilliant parents spelled it “Nicolas,” not “Nicholas,” and begging the other kids not to call him “Dick-less” anymore. Then a few years after college, at Thanksgiving, he announces that he has changed his name to “Ralph” and tells you that he and his “friend” are getting married.

The sad fact is that when you are picking a name, you’re really picking how screwed up your kid will be.

Name your daughter Jessica, and she’ll probably have a decent, mediocre life. Name her Jolyna, and she’ll need two years of counseling. Name her Jade and she’s going to be a stripper.

So what are we naming our little bundle of joy, our little Baby Spoon, if you will? Well, we want it to be original and creative, so we’re thinking “Isabella Caytlen” if it’s a girl or “Ayden Conner” for a boy.

—— Update added 2006-03-17 17:32 ——

SpoonFighter would like to point out that the last sentence is an example of picking a top-ten name and misspelling it, as mentioned several paragraphs earlier. Spoon Spawn #1 will not receive one of these names. If you must know, we are actually considering these:

BOY
Rutherford
Rabbit
Bob
Trouser Sneeze

GIRL
Delilah
Jezebel Jones
Little Debbie
Rutherford

I was trying to think of something funny to write, but I’m stuck.

All humor makes fun of someone, something, or some group. All jokes have a victim. The problem is that so many victims are now off-limits, it’s difficult to write something funny without getting into trouble.

For example, it is not ok to make jokes about black people, or being black. Ever, ever, ever ever ever. There are only two exceptions to this rule: (1) You yourself are black (I am not); or (2) You are making a joke about Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, or Michael Jackson.

(Personally, I think this is a very good rule, because black people have suffered enough indignity from white people in America, and also because they are almost all bigger and stronger than me.)

I’ve come to believe that there’s a list, maintained by a secret committee, which determines who can make fun of whome whom. A member of one group can get away with making fun of any group farther down on the list, but not a higher one:

1. Blacks
2. Latinos
3. People with Disabilities
4. Homosexuals
5. Jews
6. Asians
7. Whites
8. Rednecks
9. Midgets “Little People”
10. Vegetarians
11. Michael Jackson

(To be honest, I’m not sure about #9, because they are surprisingly quick and I’ve never been able to catch one. Same for #11.)

Since I’m a white person, I could make a joke about “Little People” and as long as there weren’t any “Little People” present, everyone would have a good laugh. On the other hand, if I made a joke about black people - which I never would, I swear to God - nobody would laugh and I might get my ass kicked. Possibly by a group of “Little People.”

I personally do not like this list. I don’t like being so far down on it, and I think that the “Little People” deserve to be several notches higher, too. In fact, I don’t see why there should be a list at all. Can’t we all enjoy a little good-natured ribbing, then link arms, and celebrate our common humanity by making fun of Michael Jackson?

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper today announced that the state capitol building had been seized by the City and County of Denver and would be converted to lofts. “The Capitol was one of the few old buildings in Denver that hadn’t yet been converted to lofts,” said Hickenlooper. “It was really only a matter of time.”

Hickenlooper went on to say that the seizure was entirely legal thanks to this year’s US Supreme Court ruling on eminent domain. “The land has already been rezoned, and the city is taking bids from developers. Naturally, we will compensate the State government for the value of the property. Probably in Wynkoop Brewery Gift Cards.”

When pressed for comment, Colorado Governor Bill Owens shrugged. “The building was full of Democrats, anyway.”

October, though nearly over, is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It also happens to be National Gay & Lesbian History Month, Talk About Prescriptions Month, Celebrate Sun Dried Tomatoes Month, and Toilet Tank Repair Month. (At my house, it’s always Toilet Tank Repair Month.)

In fact, there are dozens of other noble (cough) causes of which you are supposed to be aware, right now: List. How does anyone sleep at night?

In the same spirit, I have a couple of additional causes you should be aware of, during November.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve entered the bathroom stall at work and found the seat of the toilet covered in coffee-laced urine. Now I’m not talking about some nasty, cracked, U-shaped piece of whitewashed plywood that’s connected by a rusty nail to a toilet bowl located in a shed behind a Kum ‘N’ Go in eastern Arizona. I’m talking about a toilet seat in an otherwise-immaculate corporate bathroom.

I don’t get it. It’s got !@$%! hinges for crying out loud. How hard is it for you to grab a piece of toilet paper and lift the seat? And if you do pee all over the seat, can’t you take a wad of toilet paper and wipe it up?

You know what? I don’t care how nice you are, or whether you adopt stray puppies by the dumpster-full. If you leave a mess on the toilet seat for next poor bastard to clean up or sit on, you are an evil person. You’re the sort of person who, if you were a corporate CEO, would dump toxic waste in a river. If you were the leader of a country, you’d invade Poland.

Therefore, I hereby declare November to be … drum roll, please … Don’t Leave Your Bodily Fluids On The Damn Toilet Seat Awareness Month. I’ve even designed a rubber bracelet for everyone to wear. It symbolizes how, if we band together, we can overcome. I hope you’ll choose to wear one. If I sell enough of them, I’ll buy a porta-potty for my cubicle.

But wait! There’s more!

I’m not a morning person. Somehow, Monday through Friday, my brain stem - the part of the brain which scientists say we inherited from our reptilian ancestors - drags my butt out of bed, drives to work, and gets me to the break room. If I get there, and there’s no coffee, it’s going to be a bad, bad day. It means that some selfish twit took the last few drops but thinks that his or her time is far too precious to make the next batch.

Ok. I’ll admit. I’ve done it once or twice. But both times I was being chased by corporate security, and I still grieve for what I was forced to do.

That’s why November is also Refill The Freakin’ Coffee Pot Month. You can show your support for this important cause by placing this ribbon on the back of your car, with pride.

It’s sad that we live in a world with evil. These causes may seem trivial, but they’re not. Remember that how a person behaves with the small things is how he or she will behave with the big things, only more so. Today it’s a dirty toilet seat, or an empty coffee pot. Tomorrow it may be your rivers, your country, even your life.

Thank you. And May God Bless America. I’ll be going, now.

——

Trackback!

I’m sitting in bed with my wife, blogging. My cat is eating my ice cream, which is one of the reasons I have intestinal parasites.

Speaking of parasites, I’m very put out by the President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who said this week that Israel should be wiped from the map.

I think we should all be encouraged by the unanimous and strong denunciations of this statement by the rest of the Islamic world, except that they haven’t said a damn thing.

Like most unpatriotic non-Republicans, I’m actually in favor of trying to get along with everyone, as long as they’re interested in doing the same. But this is over the top. The Muslim world is really starting to piss me off. Oh, I know, the Christian world has done many terrible thing over the years. But we’ve also done a lot of good, too. We’ve brought universities, hospitals and Brittany Spears to other parts of the world for hundreds of years. Name one good thing that Muslims have given the rest of the world. Other than our system of numbers. And harem pants.

All I know is that the blogging community won’t sit quietly. Oh no. We will blog about this. We will say many nasty things about Mr. Ahmadiwhatever and his stupid backwards country. And they will be very, very sorry.

This morning, I’m thinking about the flu. Scientists warn that when the Asian “Bird Flu” mutates and gains the ability to jump from human to human easily, we would probably be looking at a pandemic like the “Spanish Flu” of 1918. According to this Standford site, 675,000 Americans died. According to US Census estimates, that is the only year–in our history–when the US population decreased. In 1918 the US population was roughly 100 million. Today it is roughly 300 million. So, with today’s numbers, the flu would have killed roughly 1.8 million people. An AP article published by wired.com confirms this estimate.

The US is pretty spoiled, now, when it comes to disasters. The big San Francisco earthquake of 1989 killed 67 people. Hurricane Katrina killed 1000 people. The September 11 attacks killed 3000 people. Our War in Iraq has so far cost the lives of 2000 soldiers. The rest of the developed world is much the same. The recent terrorist bombings in England and Spain have together killed roughly 300, for example.

I’m not saying these deaths aren’t tragic, but we are getting off easy. The rest of the world copes with much worse, all the time. This weekend’s earthquake in Pakistan killed more than 20,000. Last year’s Indonesian tsunami killed almost 300,000, it is now believed. Since the US invasion of Iraq, between 20,000 and 100,000 Iraqis have died violently, depending on the source.

We don’t have the slightest idea what that’s like, here. So, imagine an epidemic in the US that strikes every state, city, town and kills 1.8 million people. One in four people get sick. One in 166 die.

Now, consider the fact that it’s probably going to happen in the next three years.

Have a nice day.

Dear President Bush,

As you probably know, we recently invaded Iraq.

Our decisive military victory was supposed to be followed by joyous Iraqi celebration and peaceful reconstruction. Instead, Abdul Murphy showed up and things went horribly wrong.

Our public-relations record in Iraq has been spotty, and the country has become the number-one tourist destination for fun-loving insurgents and terrorists everywhere. If you read the news (I can suggest some fine publications, if you’d like to start) you’ll know that the country is on the edge of civil war and most Iraqis are no longer happy we dropped by.

Some say we should cut our losses, bring the boys and girls home, and let the Iraqis fend for themselves. But I agree with you. (You’re thrilled, I know.) “You break it, you buy it,” I say, and we definitely broke it. So the question is, how are we going to pay for it?

The obvious answer would be tax increases. But since taxes are one of your pet peeves, I have several ideas which I offer to you free of charge. I don’t even expect any credit for them. (Actually, if you decide to use any of them, would you mind not mentioning my name? Thanks, dude.)

1) Advertising

Every area of our lives has been overrun with advertising. Every area, that is, except for the government. The space is just going to waste. Corporations would pay dearly to put their brand on government stuff.

The military would be an obvious first choice. You could sell sponsorships at the unit level, such as the 23rd Tampax Lite Infantry or the 86th Herbal Essences Airborne Rangers. Corporations could even sponsor specific military actions. Operation Viagra Freedom Thrust comes to mind, as does Halliburton Presents: The War In Iraq.

And why stop at the military? Imagine the revenue potential of the Exxon-Mobile Environmental Protection Agency or the Allstate Of the Union Address.

2) Civil Rights Reform

Most Americans don’t even know what their civil rights are, let alone use them. I’m just guessing, but judging by your Patiot Act, you might not know, either. Many of them are listed in a document called the Constitution. You probably received a copy when you took office, so check the stack of papers on your desk. If not, I’m sure it’s hanging on a wall in your house. (The big white one, not the one in Texas.)

My point is, if most Americans only use a few of their rights, you could easily get away with charging for the ones fewer people use. Think of it like Cable TV.

All Americans would get the Basic Rights package. This would give access to the most commonly used rights: the Right To Shoot Your Mouth Off, the Right To Go Where You Want, and Monday Night Football, for example.

People who wanted more rights could simply upgrade to the Rights Plus package. It would include all that inconvenient legal stuff, such as the Right To A Speedy Trial, the Freedom From Unlawful Search and Seizure or Innocent Until Proven Guilty.

Finally, there would be a Premium Rights package, which would include things that nobody currently has, like Freedom From Government Reading Your Email. You could even allow individuals to purchase special rights on a one-time basis, just like Pay-Per-View. Rights, like Beat The Peasants, Park On Other People’s Lawns, or Congress Votes My Way This Time.

3) Sell stuff

You could raise a lot of money by selling things the country doesn’t use any more, such as obsolete military hardware. Or the Department of Labor. Or North Dakota. I’m sure there are a few 2nd-Amendment fans (i.e. unmarried males) who would gladly pony up the cash for a bazooka. I know I would. (Just kidding honey.) And frankly, I think it’s a safe bet that New York City would purchase Connecticut and use it for parking.

Regardless of whether or not you find any of these ideas useful, Mr. President, the important thing is that you figure out a way to pay for this war as soon as possible. I will be happy to do my part by purchasing a bazooka. Hell, I’ll take two.

Respectfully,

SpoonFighter

Tampax is a registered trademark of Proctor & Gamble. Herbal Essences is a registered trademark of Clairol, which is a division of Proctor & Gamble. Viagra is a registered trademark of Pfizer. Iraq is a registered trademark of Halliburton.

I have a confession to make. I’m jealous of Prince Harry, and not just because he gets kissed by Spice Girls and has lots of money and probably goes to better parties than I do. Or has a yacht. And will never have to pay a utility or mortgage bill. And can go do charity work in Africa before jetting back for dinner at an exclusive restaurant in London. What I’m really most jealous of, besides the palaces, sports cars, expense accounts, TiVo, and the ability to contact famous movie stars on a whim, is the fact that he will be remembered.

Five hundred years from now, no matter how he chooses to spend his life, there will be paragraphs about him in books and other media about the history of the 20th and 21st Centuries. There may even be a biography. Children in British schools (such as the one I attended, King George V, in Hong Kong) will undoubtably learn his name in a long list of English royalty.

I on the other hand, will most likely be completely forgotten when the last of my grandchildren dies in a shabby nursing home on the back side of the moon. Only Mormon geaneological records will note the fact that I ever lived. I have now missed most of the opportunities to do the sorts of things that get one’s name recorded in the history books.

Except for bad things, of course. But I don’t want go down in history as, for example, the guy who snaps and gets shot while lobbing kosher pickles at the White House without any clothes on.

It’s just not fair. Prince Harry could even realize that the British royals exist for no other reason than to help England remain interesting, renounce his royal status and go to work as a postal clerk, and he would still get a paragraph in the history books.