I had originally planned to write about the Supreme Court’s just-announced decision on gun rights, but then I thought — I should write about something important, something that’s on the hearts and minds of the entire American people, if not the whole world. So, I’m going to write about the new iPhone 4™

Once, as recently as last week, I was just like you. I whiled away the meaningless minutes of my life doing meaningless things like … well, it seems I’ve forgotten, exactly, but they were things like you do. But now that I am the proud possessor — nay — guardian of this device, my life has changed. Everything is different. Colors are richer.* Sunsets are more beautiful.** Relationships are more satisfying.*** In fact, I lack the words to construct a sufficient hyperbole.

Aesthetically, the 4th generation iPhone™ is a work of art. Its design is as timeless as the Taj Majal, as enigmatic as the Mona Lisa, as armless as the Venus de Milo. Black, and sleek, it is almost entirely made of glass. Not just any glass, but (we are told) a scratch-proof glass that is 30 times as hard as regular glass.****

Gracing the edge of this device is a band of stainless steel that serves as the antenna — a beautiful synergy of form and function. Some recipients of the iPhone 4™, clearly unworthy of the honor, have complained that the iPhone™ loses reception if this band is touched in a certain way. But as Steve Jobs™ (Apple CEO, technical visionary, Divine Being) has made clear, these “people” are holding it incorrectly. The correct way is this: 1) lay the iPhone™ on a flat surface, 2) take three steps back, 3) with eyes closed and head bowed, pray that Steve Jobs™ will forgive you for your sins.

Functionally, the iPhone 4™ is revolutionary. It decisively answers the nagging questions of our generation, like, can I possibly waste more time on Facebook? Can I be more distracted when talking to people? Is it possible to make the Internet smaller and harder to read? Yes, yes, and yes!

The most revolutionary thing about the iPhone™ is the App Store. Before, a phone was simply a means of talking to people over long distances. But with the iPhone and its App Store, I finally have a way of draining my bank account in $0.99 increments!

In conclusion, it should be obvious that I spent all my time this week playing with my new iPhone 4™ instead of working on a decent blog post.

Sent from my iPhone.

* On the screen.
** On the screen.
*** Not really.
**** Sadly, the keys in my pocket appear to be 31 times as hard as regular glass.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

Oh poop, has it been 9 months since I posted something, here? You know, I thought I’d get my annual blog-post in early.

My buddy satyr asks me if Spoonfighter is dead. It probably is. Hey – lots of things died in 2009: Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, the Democrats ….

I’m actually bothering to blog because I have to tell someone (i.e. the readers of this blog, i.e. no-one) about my goals for 2010. (I’m sure I’ll have others, when I fail at these.)

1) Goal numero uno: Stop thinking until March

This goal was suggested by my buddy Chris. You see, I have a problem. I am addicted to constantly thinking about life’s big questions. Over and over and over and over. Were it not for this goal, I would have already spent most of this morning tallying up the pros and cons (once again) of such questions as, “What do I really believe about God?”, “What is the point of my own existence?”, and “Will anyone notice if I don’t wear underwear today?”

Secretly, you see, I believe I’m a genius, and that I’m smarter than all those other people who have tried to answer these questions, unsuccessfully. (Buddha went commando. And everyone could tell.) Although I’m getting close to the answers (which I will publish in the form of an eBook), some people have suggested that my “obsessive-compulsive over-thinking” (OCOT) might actually be interfering with some of my other goals, like “enjoying life”, and “not being an angry jerk to my kids.”

My buddy Chris said, “Why don’t you try not thinking for a month?” I told him I’d think about it.

2) Goal numero dos: Read everything on the internet

As 2009 was coming to a close, I realized that I only flirt with the internet. I never commit. I don’t jump in at the deep end. I don’t get the big, extra-value, 20%-more free, bottle o’ internet, and slather the entire contents over my whole body.

What a disgusting image. Anyway, this goal grew out of one of last year’s goals, which was to figure out a way to make some money off the internet. I soon noticed that several other people already seem to have had that idea. That’s when it dawned on me that I have almost no idea what’s actually on the internet these days. I don’t have a list of blogs I read. I don’t hang out at YouTube. I don’t Tweet. I only just found out about Lala.

So, in the interest of setting attainable goals, and with all the extra time I have now that I’m not thinking or wearing underwear to work, I will explore the internet, page by page, link by link, NSFW-video by NSFW-video. A journey of a 7,943,567,328,293,335,110,832,477 miles begins with a single step. Those who say it can’t be done should get out of the way of those who are doing it!

At least I already know about lolcats. That’s about 15% of the internet, right there.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend

I just noticed that I haven’t written anything in a month. Pretty much my normal behavior. Naughty Spoonfighter.

If you’re curious, and you’re probably not, I’ve been very focused on a technical project lately. I have been trying to create a working Solaris Cluster* at home, in order to do some personal training in the technology, and to prepare for a cluster build I have to do at work. Initially, I was going to purchase a bunch of old Sun equipment (I did actually buy a SunBlade 1000), but I realized that this was going to be too expensive, and all I’d end up with would be a bunch of old computers that don’t do anything fun and break a lot. (Kind of like me.)

Still with me? If not, skip down to the part where I mention that I’m not going back to law school.

So, instead, I set about trying to create a cluster using virtual machines.** At this point, I have my laptop installed with Ubuntu Linux. It uses Sun’s VirtualBox product to simulate three Solaris systems: one will serve up iSCSI storage for the shared disk, and the other two will be the cluster nodes. Is this interesting to you? If so, you probably have a lousy social life. (Kind of like me.)

In case you haven’t already guessed, I’m not going back to law school. There’s a lot more to it, but basically, one year in law school helped me clarify my goals, and showed me that those goals are better served by building on the IT career I have already developed, rather than starting from scratch in a completely new field.

That said, I am trying to embrace my inner geek. I spend as much time indoors as possible, in order to develop an unhealthy pallor. I am reading fantasy and science fiction. I am playing with cluster, iSCSI, and virtualization technologies in my spare time. And, I have an account on World of Warcraft. It’s probably a good thing that I’m already married.

Anyway, that’s the news from Spoonfighter’s corner of meatspace. Have a good day.

* A cluster consists of two or more computer systems which work together to keep an application running at all times, even if one of the two computers fails.
** A virtual machine is a simulation of a computer system which runs on a real computer system.

• Digg this post
• Recommend on Facebook
• share via Reddit
• Share with Stumblers
• Tweet about it
• RSS Comments
• Email a friend