Things don’t look too good for the Democrats, do they? A new poll gives the Republicans a strong lead going into the mid-term elections, and while anything can happen between now and then, conventional wisdom says that the GOP will probably regain control of the House.

I’d bet my left kidney that virtually every challenger (and most incumbents, too) has promised to “fix Washington,” and stop America’s slide into socialism, poverty, utter destruction, or wherever it is we’re supposedly heading, using the awesome power for change that comes with being 1/535th of the Congress. But then, ridiculous promises are as sacred to American government as the Constitution. The candidates for the first US Congress in 1789 probably promised to fix Washington, too, in spite of the fact that they were meeting in New York at the time.

So, while the party faithful will vote for their party’s candidate so long as he/she can say say his/her own name, the rest of us will vote for whoever we didn’t vote for last time, even though they’re promising basically the same damn things. Given the fact that the government is largely deadlocked now, under one-party-rule, it seems safe to say that when the Republicans regain control of the House, we’ll have the Congressional equivalent of Los Angeles traffic. Yay Democracy!

For the economy, this is bad news. Many economists believe that government stimulus efforts were actually helping, and probably kept the economy from self-destructing like Mel Gibson at a traffic stop. Regardless of whether you agree with those measures, we’re not likely to get any more. Nor are we likely to get any deficit reduction. The next election is going to give us no choice but to wait for the economy to stimulate itself … er .. I mean, wait for consumers to return to the reckless spending that drives our economy.

That is, of course, unless Obama goes back to doing that thing called “leading”, and having those things called “ideas”, again. This is precisely when we need an Oval Office address on nationwide television that begins, “My fellow Americans ….”

Come on, Mr. President! You’re a smart person, surrounded by smart people. Tell us your plan. Make us believe it can work. Sell us some hope, man! Congress will give us what we want, if you make us want it bad enough. You’re going to have to do something, or you’re not going to get re-elected, especially now that Glenn Beck has ruled out running with Sarah Palin in 2012,* and the Tea Partiers will have to unite with the rest of the Republican party to nominate someone who isn’t an intellectual train wreck.

But, maybe I’m wrong. What do you think?

* Sigh. That would have been the most awesome election ever. Unless they won.

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As everyone is aware, true American patriots everywhere are protesting the proposed construction of a mosque two blocks from Ground Zero in NYC. Not only is it insensitive for American Muslims to try to exercise their freedom of religion, but everyone knows it’s just a cover for a giant mind-control device that will turn us all into suicide bombers.

But it’s not enough to protest. We must demand that the government seize this private property and build the Freedom Center, a monument that will show the world what America is all about!

As the image shows, the outside of Freedom Center will be mighty symbol of freedom, because it has an eagle, many flags, and Ronald Reagan!

Inside, there will be such attractions as:

Call your Congressman today and demand that the government build this mighty monument to FREEDOM!

* Such as Southern Baptist, Assemblies of God, or Non-Denominational

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It’s completely obvious to any true Patriot that we must suspend the Constitution and stop the evil Muslins from building their mosque / jihad-planning-center near Ground Zero. But for those of you who aren’t convinced and therefore hate your country, here’s what WILL happen if they are allowed to build:

1. As soon as the Ground Zero Mosque is complete, mosques from all over the country will rip out of the ground and fly to New York, where they will join together to form a giant robot called Mecca-Tron!

2. Young boys and girls across America will grow full beards, and then explode.

3. Walmart will be driven out of business by Burqa-Mart.

4. Gun rights advocates will be completely confused when the government confiscates their handguns, but then gives them AK-47s and RPGs, instead.

5. On the TV show, The Bachelor, the male contestant will be able to choose not one, but four eligible ladies. But he won’t be allowed to see them or talk to them until after they’re married.

6. Black-and-white, checkered Keffiyeh scarves will come back into style, even though they only just went out of style in 2008.*

7. If you lose a library book, the librarian gets to cut off your hand.

8. Minor car accidents will be virtually eliminated when women lose the right to drive. **

9. The economy will crumble as America’s men quit their jobs to hang out in hookah lounges, drink coffee, and play backgammon.

10. Every American who is not a teenage girl will gratefully convert to Islam when Justin Bieber is kidnapped and help for ransom until he’s at least 25.

* Dammit.
** Ha ha. Just kidding ladies. But seriously, no more driving.

If you know of other horrible things that will certainly happen if they build the GZM, please add them via comments!

UPDATE: Check out History Eraser Button for a good serious post on the subject, with pictures of the “hallowed ground”.

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While the rest of the world struggles to cope with the global economic downturn and the possibility that the fledgling recovery may have stalled out, Germany has reported that its economy grew at an astonishing 9% annual pace in the last quarter. (Link)

Leaders from around the world condemned this news, accusing Germany of being in denial. In the US, White House spokesperson Andy Gibbs stated that, “We wish that our ally Germany would accept the reality of the poor economic climate we are all facing, and stop growing. Who do they think they are, China?”

Several representatives of the European Union voiced concerns for Germany’s emotional and mental health, but also expressed confidence that economic realities would force Germany to abandon its denial and move on to the other stages of grief, like anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

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A prominent association of leading economists sent shock-waves around the world yesterday, when it announced that, “It is time for our profession to admit what should already be obvious to everyone: economists can’t predict sh*t.” 

In a joint statement, issued at the 2010 World Economic Forum being held this week in New York, economists from 68 countries went on to say that,  ”Some of us always think things are getting better, some of us always think things are getting worse, and of course there’s always that one guy who thinks that everything is about to come crashing down and we’ll all be eating squirrels next year.”

Speaking on a condition of anonymity, one summit attendee stated that many prominent economic forecasts of the last 11 years were in fact produced by a single, dart-throwing chimpanzee named Gus. “It eventually dawned on everyone that we could all save some time, and possibly get better results, if we just chipped in and bought a monkey. He’s actually pretty good. Unless he’s been drinking.”

The full impact of this announcement remains unclear, but the World Bank announced that it now plans to fire its existing Chief Economist, Justin Lin, and will offer the position to Paul the Octopus, who famously predicted the winner of all of Germany’s matches, plus the final, in the 2010 world cup. (Link) “If we can’t get Paul,” said a spokesperson, “We’ll settle for a Magic 8-Ball”.

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The fate of deposed-yet-lovable Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is finally in the hands of 12 people too dumb to get out of jury duty.

The case against Blago seems pretty solid. In 2008, when he had the opportunity to choose a replacement for the Senate seat vacated by the election of President Obama, the FBI caught him saying, “unless I get something real good for [it], [S-word], I’ll just send myself, you know what I’m saying?” and “[this] is a [F-bomb] valuable thing, you just don’t give it away for nothing.” And there’s plenty more. (link).

Blago’s defense pretty much boiled down to “that’s just politics,” “I’m just a dumb-ass,” and “I was just joking ha ha LOL.” (link)

If the jury lets him off, it will raise the question, what does it take to actually get busted for corruption? Does the FBI have to produce a receipt with the word “Bribe” on it? Does someone have to film you taking money while you sign legislation? Do you have to get caught in the act of having sex with a lobbyist in the governors office on a big pile of $100 bills?

At that point, Illinois should give up on ethics and just post an official bribery and extortion price list on www.illinois.gov.

Just sayin’.

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Following the revelation by Wikileaks that our ally Pakistan has been secretly supporting the Taliban, President Obama is expected to announce today that “Pakistan is like totally not our BFF anymore OMG!!!” in a carefully-worded text message.

Sources close to the White House* tell us that, although it has actually been aware, for some time, that “Pakistan is a complete, back-stabbing bitch,” the administration believes it must respond in some way to avoid appearing indecisive or out-of-touch, now that the information is public.

President Obama will be consulting with high-level advisers to craft the appropriate response, but some of the options known to be on the table include:

not talking to Pakistan for, like, a whole week,

writing the word “whore” on Pakistan’s locker, and

un-friending Pakistan on Facebook.

* like the crazy guy we found stumbling down E St., NW

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Didn’t feel like writing this week, so I made you this movie. Hope it makes you laugh. I’ll be in my trailer.

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If you’re one of those poor bastards whose unemployment benefits are running out, you’re about to get a reprieve. The late Sen. Byrd’s replacement will be sworn in today, and unless one of the Democrats steps in front of a motorcade, gets locked in the Senate bathroom, or has an intern-related heart attack, they should have the 60 votes they need to overcome the Republican filibuster and extend unemployment benefits. (more)

This issue has become heavily politicized, which should never happen in politics. President Obama accused the GOP of using the issue for election-year gains at the expense of laid-off workers. Republicans countered that they would be happy to approve the extension, but only if its $32 billion cost is “paid for” by cuts to other programs or tax increases.

That sounds very responsible and reasonable, but they might as well have said, “Hell no,” since in the current climate, both options are as politically feasible as, say, fixing Social Security by shooting old people into space.

Of course, the GOP do not insist that tax cuts or military spending be “paid for”. I find this very mysterious, but perhaps there’s something about such spending that makes the normal rules of math not apply. Like maybe leprechauns riding unicorns suddenly appear and pour sacks of gold into the treasury. Must be something, right?

Regardless of the politics involved, most economists appear to believe that extending unemployment benefits is one of the most effective ways to stimulate the economy. Mark Zandi, chief economist for Moody’s Analytics, has said that for every $1.00 that enters the economy this way, the GDP grows $1.61, and that failure to do so puts the current recovery, however slow, at risk. He failed to mention, however, the stimulative effect of shooting old people into space.

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Hello Everyone. Republicans here.

Mid-term elections are approaching, and we are poised to regain control of at least one of the two Houses of Congress, which gets us at least one third of the way back to controlling the whole government. And that’s what God, the Founding Fathers, and the American People would want. At least the 48% who aren’t socialists, terrorists, and illegal immigrants.

Before things get really crazy, we’d like to say a few thank-yous:

First, we need to thank the Tea Party. It’s so cute how passionate you guys are about cutting the federal budget deficit. Somehow you haven’t noticed yet that this is completely incompatible with your other priorities, cutting taxes and having the world’s awesomest military. Bless your little hearts, no one ever said you were bright. And thank God for that, or you’d probably remember that the last three Republican administrations were all very fond of deficit spending. But who knows? Maybe the handful of crazy wing-nuts you’re sending to Congress this election will whip the rest of us into shape.

Second, we certainly owe a big thank-you to you, President Obama. With all that “Hope” and “Change” stuff, we were afraid you’d turn out to be the leader the Democrats have been waiting for – a Lefty Reagan, if you will. But once you got into office, you were nice enough to let us lead for a while. Very sportsmanlike of you.

And of course, where would we be without the Congressional Democrats. You guys had control of both Houses, and for a while, 60 votes in the Senate. You could have accomplished so much if you’d gotten organized and played as a team. Well, to be fair, you did play as a team, but it was a four-year-old soccer team. So, after this legislative session, we’re taking you all out for Happy Meals!

Finally, we’d like to say thank you, in advance, to all you swing voters out there. You got so mad at us in 2008, when the economy tanked, but thanks to your endearing combination of political independence, impatience, and Alzheimer’s-like memory loss, you’re going to put us right back in office. And so we promise that, once we’re back, we’ll disappoint you all over again.

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