I’m going to say something heretical. It goes against what we were taught in grade school, and if I were running for elected office it’d be about as bad as refusing to wear an American Flag lapel pin.

Here it is: I don’t think our system of government, with its Constitution, its federation of States, its checks and balances, its three branches of government, etc., is a very good system. I’ll pause now, in case anyone wants hyperventilate into a bag, say the Pledge of Allegiance, then rock back and forth while listening to “I’m proud to be an American”. All better? Good. Please put down the gun.

Not long ago, I overheard a conservative friend of mine say, “Thank God for checks and balances. Our system works.” He said this shortly after Senator Kennedy died and was replaced by a Republican, ending the “filibuster-proof” majority enjoyed by Senate Democrats and causing everyone to conclude that the health care overhaul bill was officially dead. My friend’s statement included two ironies. The first was that he probably should have thanked the guy who wears black robes and carries a scythe. (Which would have been in very bad taste, but really, is that a person you want to piss off? I always send him a Christmas card.)

The second irony is that if he had wanted the bill to pass — for example, if it eliminated the income tax, or launched a military operation to bring democracy to France — he would have complained that Congress doesn’t get anything done.

The problem is that since we elect Congress, the Senate, and the President separately, it’s unlikely that either party will control all three houses at the same time. And when one party does manage to pull off that hat trick, we still have the Senate filibuster. Nothing can get through the legislative process without either consensus or compromise. Compromise only works when both parties want to get to the same place, and just disagree about whether to, say, drive or fly, and how much luggage to bring. Compromise doesn’t work nearly as well when one party wants to drive, and the other party wants to take the car to the junk yard because government shouldn’t be in the business of going places or owning vehicles. The “compromise” is that you end up trying to make the trip in a car with no doors and three wheels. And to get the two guys from the other party even to agree to that, you had to let them set up an oil rig in your garden.

Still with me after that tortured analogy?

My point is that we often complain about our government’s inability to get things done, and that when it actually does pass legislation, it is usually incomprehensible, complex, and chock full of “pork” and “earmarks”. Not to mention ineffective. But these are all side effects of the way our system was set up.

It worked fine in the beginning.* The checks and balances and other limitations in the Constitution were supposed to keep the federal government from becoming too powerful. Its job was to manage interstate commerce, fight the occasional war with Britain, and screw the Indians. The states were supposed to do everything else.

It didn’t quite work out that way. Those checks and balances didn’t keep us from getting the biggest and baddest federal government that trillions of borrowed dollars can buy. So as long as we’re spending all this money, it would be nice if we could ditch some of those checks and balances and actually get what we’re paying for.

Come on. At least ditch the Senate filibuster. That’s not even in the Constitution.

* By “beginning”, I mean 1788, not when God formed man from the dust of the earth and/or monkeys.

Oh poop, has it been 9 months since I posted something, here? You know, I thought I’d get my annual blog-post in early.

My buddy satyr asks me if Spoonfighter is dead. It probably is. Hey - lots of things died in 2009: Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, the Democrats ….

I’m actually bothering to blog because I have to tell someone (i.e. the readers of this blog, i.e. no-one) about my goals for 2010. (I’m sure I’ll have others, when I fail at these.)

1) Goal numero uno: Stop thinking until March

This goal was suggested by my buddy Chris. You see, I have a problem. I am addicted to constantly thinking about life’s big questions. Over and over and over and over. Were it not for this goal, I would have already spent most of this morning tallying up the pros and cons (once again) of such questions as, “What do I really believe about God?”, “What is the point of my own existence?”, and “Will anyone notice if I don’t wear underwear today?”

Secretly, you see, I believe I’m a genius, and that I’m smarter than all those other people who have tried to answer these questions, unsuccessfully. (Buddha went commando. And everyone could tell.) Although I’m getting close to the answers (which I will publish in the form of an eBook), some people have suggested that my “obsessive-compulsive over-thinking” (OCOT) might actually be interfering with some of my other goals, like “enjoying life”, and “not being an angry jerk to my kids.”

My buddy Chris said, “Why don’t you try not thinking for a month?” I told him I’d think about it.

2) Goal numero dos: Read everything on the internet

As 2009 was coming to a close, I realized that I only flirt with the internet. I never commit. I don’t jump in at the deep end. I don’t get the big, extra-value, 20%-more free, bottle o’ internet, and slather the entire contents over my whole body.

What a disgusting image. Anyway, this goal grew out of one of last year’s goals, which was to figure out a way to make some money off the internet. I soon noticed that several other people already seem to have had that idea. That’s when it dawned on me that I have almost no idea what’s actually on the internet these days. I don’t have a list of blogs I read. I don’t hang out at YouTube. I don’t Tweet. I only just found out about Lala.

So, in the interest of setting attainable goals, and with all the extra time I have now that I’m not thinking or wearing underwear to work, I will explore the internet, page by page, link by link, NSFW-video by NSFW-video. A journey of a 7,943,567,328,293,335,110,832,477 miles begins with a single step. Those who say it can’t be done should get out of the way of those who are doing it!

At least I already know about lolcats. That’s about 15% of the internet, right there.

In case you haven’t noticed, the economy is bad. In recession. Like what happens to men when they jump into cold water. Or so I’m told. It is especially bad in places like Michigan. Michigan is having trouble because it produces only two things, cars, and mosquitoes. And only the mosquitoes are impressive. (In fact, President Obama was able to sell Michigan to Canada for $37 at the White House garage sale last Saturday. Suckers. They totally paid too much.*) Just kidding, Michigan.

So like I was saying, the economy is in really bad shape. For example, the price of a six pack of my favorite beer has gone from $7 to $9. I want to know what Obama is going to do about that, dammit! When this terrible, terrible thing occurred, I began to pay attention and started learning about economics and stuff. I even read some stuff in Wikipedia. I would like to share what I have learned with you.

First, the main reason the economy is really bad, and not just a little bad, is you! Yes, that’s right, you: the average American. Our economy isn’t doing well unless it is growing, and it doesn’t grow unless the vast majority of you spend an ever-increasing amount of money. But what did you do, when you heard a little bit of bad news about real estate, and the credit market, and the stock market? You stopped spending and started putting your money in savings accounts. Selfish jerks. We’re not going to get out of this mess until you go out there and beg your credit card companies to let you have some more money and then buy eight or nine big screen TVs and a couple Cadillacs. Got it? Also, it would help if the population grew faster, so either have some more kids or quit bitching about illegal immigrants.

The second thing I learned is that economic hard times aren’t always bad. When money gets tight and times get tough, people go back to basics. They spend more time with family. They play board games. They drink more cheap beer. Most importantly, they draw upon strengths and abilities they had forgotten they had, in order to make it through. Many people are growing vegetables in their gardens. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are both working on new sex tapes.

I’m finding ways to get through, too. I tried making my own beer last month, ’cause I’m not paying no $9 for a six pack. Unfortunately, it tastes bad enough that college frat boys won’t drink it. And they’ll drink Old English out of a mossy toilet bowl. So now I’m working on a sex tape …

* Ha ha, I can say that cause I was born there.

I love ninjas, I like doctors, and McDonalds is ok. But I LOVE Dr. McNinja.

1. Take off your clothes
2. Stand in front of a large mirror
3. Start jumping up and down
4. Flex all your muscles
5. Observe how much of you appears to be trying to catch up with the rest of you.

Optional step for added “fun”:
6. Perform before and after each holiday meal.

Merry Christmahannukwanzika!

This XKCD cartoon basically explains how I got into my career: link.

In my case, the critical experience occurred after college, when I was doing data entry at Sun Microsystems, and it was Solaris I was messing with, not Perl. (Although I am pretty good at Perl, now, too.)

If you have no idea what I’m talking about:
1. Perl is a programming language.
2. Solaris is an operating system. (Like Windows, MacOS, etc. But way betterer.)

Personally, I feel much safer knowing that once something is designated as “suspicious” by our security professionals, it cannot become “unsuspicious” until it has been blown up.

Bomb squad members further investigated the packages and determined they were simply several hot dogs in foil wrappers. Sadly, the wieners were detonated as a precaution. Full story.

Apparently, duct tape and tin foil on anything is considered suspicious. I’m glad that my college days are behind me; there was always the risk, in college, of waking up wrapped in tin foil and duct taped to a pole. “I’m sorry Mrs. Smith, but your son was clearly suspicious. We had to detonate him as a precaution.”

Christianity has done some bad things in its time. The Crusades. The Inquisition.

Now this …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0wpAJMFpJQ
http://www.theway.org/Current/Mar07/Mar07Hi.htm

(Sigh. First they got it removed from YouTube. Then they removed it from their own site. Maybe the world is a better place without it.)

… and this …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8

I think God is crying right now.

Men will appreciate this. Women will appreciate that men are mentally ill.

Link

Spoonfighter junior is two. I would like to say that he is growing like a weed, but he’s really short and is barely growing at all. So, really, he’s growing more like our lawn. Which is weird because we didn’t put nearly as much fertilizer on our lawn.

He’s not into food, so much. We’re so desperate to get him to eat that we’ll literally let him eat anything he decides to put in his mouth, short of black tar heroin. (It’s a pain in the a** to get out of his clothes.) Pretty much all he likes are donuts and hot dogs. And even to get him to eat hot dogs we have to lie to him and tell him that it’s the meat of some exotic animal. One time we cut the hot dog into long, curved slivers and told him that it was elephant trunk.

His favorites so far are silver back gorilla and baby seal. I don’t know what we’re going to do when we run out of endangered species. We’ll have to get creative, I suppose. “Look! It’s Kanga from your Winnie the Pooh book, remember? Nummy nummy!” (Wait, I’ve already used that one. Yes, I’m a horrible parent.) We recently took him to the zoo for the first time, and I wonder if he was thinking, “Oh, a giraffe. I love giraffe.”

You know, I like the zoo, but it would be a lot better if it was more like Costco or Sam’s Club. You’d go up to an animal enclosure and there’d be this little old lady wearing a hair net and holding a plate full of samples. “Here - try some of this snow leopard. It’s very lean, and it’s on sale today for $5.99 a pound.” Awesome!

The other thing that sucks is that the animals are all pretty lazy. Poke ‘em with sticks or something. Make ‘em do tricks! It’s hard to keep a little kid interested in a lion that sits around like it’s on welfare.

ME: “Hey, loooook! What is that? Is that a lion?”
BOY: “Squiwwel, Daddy! Squiwwel! LOOK DA SQUIWWEL!”
ME: “Yes, that is a squirrel. But don’t you want to see the lion?”
BOY: “Squiwwel squiwwel squiwwel sqiwwel! Yay!”
ME: “HEY - I DIDN’T JUST SHELL OUT 80 FREAKIN BUCKS SO YOU CAN LOOK AT THE LITTLE BEASTS THAT GO THROUGH OUR FREAKIN GARBAGE. LOOK AT THE !@#%!^% LION!!”
BOY: “Bird, Daddy! LOOK DA BIRD!”

I didn’t actually yell at him. I’m really a good parent. When the lions didn’t work out, I bought us tickets for the little train that goes around the zoo. He was totally hooked and threw a fit when the ride ended. This presented a parenting dilemma. I didn’t want to reward bad behavior, but I couldn’t bear to see his sad little face, so I chose a creative “third way.” I slipped the driver of the train fifty bucks and told him not to stop. Then I went home and took a nap.

(Ha ha, I am so just kidding, Ms. Child Welfare Officer.)