Dear Public Safety Professional,
If, in the course of performing your duties, you happen upon a briefcase marked “A-Bomb,” you do not need to lock down the block. Real bombs do not come in consumer-friendly, labeled packages.
Sincerely,
Common Sense
Meme’s are so, like, 2 years ago. But I haven’t done one yet, and my friend Alwen tagged me with one. So here goes.
7 random things about me you may not know…
1. I crave hot dogs. I put them in soup. I role them up in tortillas with a little cheese. I eat them cold. I will eat them until I feel like barfing
2. I hold a white belt in at least three martial arts. No kidding.
3. I hate doing things I suck at. I grew up with modest talents in a number of areas, and got accustomed to being good at things without putting in much effort. It’s a curse, because later in life I have a hard time staying the course when things get hard. And everything gets hard, sooner or later.
4. I pierced my own ear once. It didn’t hurt at all, but I suspect that’s because I was more than a little drunk at the time. Sadly, I didn’t have an earring to put in the hole, so it was rather pointless.
5. I take one heck of a long time to finish a meme. Seriously. What’s my problem?
6. Pet peeve: People who keep large, aggressive dogs in their front yards. I’m running along, minding my own business, enjoying the peace and quiet of my neighborhood, when suddenly 100+ pounds of bad doggie charges out of nowhere and throws itself at me. Yes, I realize afterward that I’m perfectly safe on my side of the fence. But why should I have to wear two pairs of super hero underwear when I go running?
What really pisses me off are the people who only have four foot fences. Are you telling me that a 100 pound Rottie, moving at 25 mph, can’t clear a four foot fence? And don’t even get me started about the a__hole who uses some invisible sonic collar thing instead of a fence. The next time his wife decides to run her hair dryer and the toaster at the same time, some little kid is going to be puppy chow.
7. I used to play a pretty mean blues harp (harmonica).
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Rules:
A. List 7 random things about yourself that people may not know.
B. Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours.
C. Post the rules on your blog.
D. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
I have no idea who to credit for this, but it’s making the rounds via email …
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning … uphill BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t kno w how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter….with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a colle ctions agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600, with games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’ and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as s tad ium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your a** and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying?? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little #$!##@!!
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a friggin’ fire…. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled!!!!!!!!! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Oh yeah, and a seatbelt was Mom throwing her arm across your chest every time she hit the brakes.
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
The holiday music assault has begun. By December 26, I suspect all Christmas music will sucketh to my ears, but right now, but here’s the list so far of tunes I hope I never hear again:
1. That !@#% “Mr. Grinch” song. You know the one: really lame lyrics, sung by a dude with a really deep voice.
2. “Up On The Housetop,” as sung by the Jackson 5. How can the whole family be off-key and whiny?
3. “Felis Navidad,” as sung by Celine Dion. Actually, ANYTHING as sung by Celine Dion.
– Update –
#4. “Last Christmas,” sung by George Michael. (Thanks to danb for reminding me not to forget how much I hate this song.)
#5. When the !@#$ did “My Favorite Things” (Sound of Music?) become @%!!@#$ Christmas music? Cause this is the only time of the year when “KOSI 101 Light Rock” can get away with playing it?
Tonight my wife asked me, “You would never have an affair, would you?”
“Are you kidding?” I replied. “I barely have enough time to keep one woman unhappy.”
A wooden boat exquisitely crafted to look like a Ferrari. Dang. Video here.
My favorite sport is back, and this time the season started waaaaay early. Possibly bad (according to some) for democracy, but fun for me.
Not a sport, you say? Wrong! It has winners and losers, big salaries and bigger egos, players and fans. And, as with all sports, when the dust settles and the winner is declared, we can all hold hands and be friends again. Because regardless of who wins or who loses, it doesn’t change anything in real life. (Unless you have the misfortune of living in a foreign country our new president decides to invade. You should try to live here. Much safer. And very popular. You want to? Too bad! Nobody can come here without our permission! Unless you sneak across the border or something. But that never works.)
Presidential candidates are an interesting breed. They’re too intelligent and ambitious to be happy with a normal life, they’re too hungry for public attention to make it rich in business, and they’re not talented enough to make it on American Idol.
If you’ve ever wondered about the relationship between radio waves, the color yellow, and Depends Undergarments ™, this diagram is for you, courtesy of XKCD.
My new favorite web comic!
