I just posted Open Letter To President Bush. I hope that you find it funny. I’m aware that it is probably offensive to people who approve of President Bush. Think of it like an editorial cartoon, part of the grand tradition of political commentary via mean-spirited humor.

Dear President Bush,

As you probably know, we recently invaded Iraq.

Our decisive military victory was supposed to be followed by joyous Iraqi celebration and peaceful reconstruction. Instead, Abdul Murphy showed up and things went horribly wrong.

Our public-relations record in Iraq has been spotty, and the country has become the number-one tourist destination for fun-loving insurgents and terrorists everywhere. If you read the news (I can suggest some fine publications, if you’d like to start) you’ll know that the country is on the edge of civil war and most Iraqis are no longer happy we dropped by.

Some say we should cut our losses, bring the boys and girls home, and let the Iraqis fend for themselves. But I agree with you. (You’re thrilled, I know.) “You break it, you buy it,” I say, and we definitely broke it. So the question is, how are we going to pay for it?

The obvious answer would be tax increases. But since taxes are one of your pet peeves, I have several ideas which I offer to you free of charge. I don’t even expect any credit for them. (Actually, if you decide to use any of them, would you mind not mentioning my name? Thanks, dude.)

1) Advertising

Every area of our lives has been overrun with advertising. Every area, that is, except for the government. The space is just going to waste. Corporations would pay dearly to put their brand on government stuff.

The military would be an obvious first choice. You could sell sponsorships at the unit level, such as the 23rd Tampax Lite Infantry or the 86th Herbal Essences Airborne Rangers. Corporations could even sponsor specific military actions. Operation Viagra Freedom Thrust comes to mind, as does Halliburton Presents: The War In Iraq.

And why stop at the military? Imagine the revenue potential of the Exxon-Mobile Environmental Protection Agency or the Allstate Of the Union Address.

2) Civil Rights Reform

Most Americans don’t even know what their civil rights are, let alone use them. I’m just guessing, but judging by your Patiot Act, you might not know, either. Many of them are listed in a document called the Constitution. You probably received a copy when you took office, so check the stack of papers on your desk. If not, I’m sure it’s hanging on a wall in your house. (The big white one, not the one in Texas.)

My point is, if most Americans only use a few of their rights, you could easily get away with charging for the ones fewer people use. Think of it like Cable TV.

All Americans would get the Basic Rights package. This would give access to the most commonly used rights: the Right To Shoot Your Mouth Off, the Right To Go Where You Want, and Monday Night Football, for example.

People who wanted more rights could simply upgrade to the Rights Plus package. It would include all that inconvenient legal stuff, such as the Right To A Speedy Trial, the Freedom From Unlawful Search and Seizure or Innocent Until Proven Guilty.

Finally, there would be a Premium Rights package, which would include things that nobody currently has, like Freedom From Government Reading Your Email. You could even allow individuals to purchase special rights on a one-time basis, just like Pay-Per-View. Rights, like Beat The Peasants, Park On Other People’s Lawns, or Congress Votes My Way This Time.

3) Sell stuff

You could raise a lot of money by selling things the country doesn’t use any more, such as obsolete military hardware. Or the Department of Labor. Or North Dakota. I’m sure there are a few 2nd-Amendment fans (i.e. unmarried males) who would gladly pony up the cash for a bazooka. I know I would. (Just kidding honey.) And frankly, I think it’s a safe bet that New York City would purchase Connecticut and use it for parking.

Regardless of whether or not you find any of these ideas useful, Mr. President, the important thing is that you figure out a way to pay for this war as soon as possible. I will be happy to do my part by purchasing a bazooka. Hell, I’ll take two.

Respectfully,

SpoonFighter

Tampax is a registered trademark of Proctor & Gamble. Herbal Essences is a registered trademark of Clairol, which is a division of Proctor & Gamble. Viagra is a registered trademark of Pfizer. Iraq is a registered trademark of Halliburton.