Customer Disservice Playhouse Presents:

“The Self-Service Checkout”

SCENE

The curtain opens to reveal a shopper standing in front of a self-service checkout machine at the King Way Supermarket.

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please scan King Way Discount Card, or scan first item.”

SHOPPER: Scans card.

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Welcome, dearly valued customer. Please scan your first item.”

SHOPPER: Picks up first item and scans it.

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Thank you. Please place item in bag and scan next item or press payment key.”

SHOPPER: Places item in bag. Reaches for next item.

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”

SHOPPER: Picks up item.

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Purchased item removed from bag. Replace purchased item before proceeding!!”

SHOPPER: Puts item back in bag.

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”

SHOPPER: “What the hell?” Hits screen.

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Object detected in bagging area. Please remove object before scanning next item.”

SHOPPER: (To cashier) “Uh, excuse me? This machine is having a problem. It’s telling me that …”

CASHIER: “One moment please.” Taps some keys. “Okay. Scan your item again.”

SHOPPER: Scans item

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please place item in bag…. Pussy.”

SHOPPER: “HEY!!”

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please scan next item or press payment key.”

SHOPPER: Scans next item

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please place item in bag and scan next item or press payment key.”

SHOPPER: Places item in the bag.

CASHIER: Steps away for smoke break.

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “You’re mine now, bee-atch.”

SHOPPER: “Shit.”

CHECKOUT MACHINE: “Please wait for cashier assistance.”

THE END

Continuing my current pattern of borrowing other people’s funny material, I direct you now to a post at jakechristie.blogspot.com. Read it and laugh, both at the post itself and the out-of-control comment war which follows.

(Unless, of course, you don’t think it’s appropriate to laugh about porn. In that case, I applaud you - you’ve obviously never seen any.)

Unless you are avoiding all media outlets except for this website - an unlikely scenario - you no doubt are aware that the head of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, got ganked by an F-16 yesterday, after having been betrayed to U.S. intelligence by someone within his organization.

My reaction is to wonder who betrayed him and why. Obviously, I have no inside information, so any guesses I make are wild, pointless speculation, like trying to guess whether the Pope wears boxers or briefs. I did, however, recently skim through a book entitled, Inside Al-Qaeda, by Rohan Gunaratna. In one section, the author notes that one of Al-Qaeda and Osama Bin Laden’s organizational dogmas is peace between Shiite and Sunni muslims, and that any sectarianism within the organization is strictly forbidden.

However, in September of 2005, according to Al-Jazeera, Al-Zarqawi declared an all-out war on Iraq’s Shiite population. I wonder, then, whether Al-Zarqawi was ratted out to the US because he violated the Al-Qaeda principle of non-sectarianism.

Update: I’m not the only person who’s wondering that, apparently - I just read to the bottom of the Wikipedia article on Zarqawi and found a link to this website, which has the same thought.

Okay. I now return you to the normal, pointless drivel you expect from SpoonFighter.

* Hell is not a place of fire and damnation, but rather one unending committee meeting. On the Day of Judgment, the Lord will tell those on His right to enter His Kingdom, and those on His left to break up into small groups.
* A friend is someone who will help you move. A true friend is someone who will help you move a body.
* There are 6 stages in the life of every project: 1) Initial Enthusiasm, 2) Early Disillusionment, 3) Panic, 4) Search for the Guilty, 5) Persecution of the Innocent, 6) Honor and Glory for the Non-Participants.
* Marriages are made in Heaven, but so are thunder, lightening, tornados, and hail.
* There are two groups of people in the world: Those who divide the world into two groups of people, and those who do not.
* An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
* A consultant is someone who knows less about your business than you do and gets more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it even if you ran it right instead of the way he tells you.

Source: careermotiv8.com

Crazy whacko fun in honor of 6/6/06. http://egomania.nu/gates.html

Ok. That’s !@#!% funny: http://www.nationaldayofslayer.org/

Quote:

DO NOT use headphones! The objective of this day is for everyone within earshot to understand that it is the National Day of Slayer. National holidays in America aren’t just about celebrating; they’re about forcing it upon non-participants.

Just realized that comments haven’t been working for a couple weeks. And here I thought the spam just stopped on its own.

5. Why is a goof-ball, made-up “Religion” featuring an interstellar dictator named Xenu * so appealing to rich actors like Tom Cruise and John Travolta?

* Why yes, you’re right. That is Scientology.

4. Why is there a magazine called “Teen Prom”? Is there any other kind of prom?

3. Why don’t any automakers manufacture a minivan with a turbo and sports suspension?

2. Why do some people implicitly trust the Bush White House, but believe that all journalists not employeed by Fox News and the Washington Times are part of a massive, Liberal conspiracy to deceive the American people?

1. Why do people buy brown sports cars?