Things don’t look too good for the Democrats, do they? A new poll gives the Republicans a strong lead going into the mid-term elections, and while anything can happen between now and then, conventional wisdom says that the GOP will probably regain control of the House.

I’d bet my left kidney that virtually every challenger (and most incumbents, too) has promised to “fix Washington,” and stop America’s slide into socialism, poverty, utter destruction, or wherever it is we’re supposedly heading, using the awesome power for change that comes with being 1/535th of the Congress. But then, ridiculous promises are as sacred to American government as the Constitution. The candidates for the first US Congress in 1789 probably promised to fix Washington, too, in spite of the fact that they were meeting in New York at the time.

So, while the party faithful will vote for their party’s candidate so long as he/she can say say his/her own name, the rest of us will vote for whoever we didn’t vote for last time, even though they’re promising basically the same damn things. Given the fact that the government is largely deadlocked now, under one-party-rule, it seems safe to say that when the Republicans regain control of the House, we’ll have the Congressional equivalent of Los Angeles traffic. Yay Democracy!

For the economy, this is bad news. Many economists believe that government stimulus efforts were actually helping, and probably kept the economy from self-destructing like Mel Gibson at a traffic stop. Regardless of whether you agree with those measures, we’re not likely to get any more. Nor are we likely to get any deficit reduction. The next election is going to give us no choice but to wait for the economy to stimulate itself … er .. I mean, wait for consumers to return to the reckless spending that drives our economy.

That is, of course, unless Obama goes back to doing that thing called “leading”, and having those things called “ideas”, again. This is precisely when we need an Oval Office address on nationwide television that begins, “My fellow Americans ….”

Come on, Mr. President! You’re a smart person, surrounded by smart people. Tell us your plan. Make us believe it can work. Sell us some hope, man! Congress will give us what we want, if you make us want it bad enough. You’re going to have to do something, or you’re not going to get re-elected, especially now that Glenn Beck has ruled out running with Sarah Palin in 2012,* and the Tea Partiers will have to unite with the rest of the Republican party to nominate someone who isn’t an intellectual train wreck.

But, maybe I’m wrong. What do you think?

* Sigh. That would have been the most awesome election ever. Unless they won.

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I had a high school history teacher who, while teaching us about the Bill of Rights, said, “State religion is good for the state, but bad for the religion.” Her point was that religion can give a lot of power to the state, to a government, to political leaders, or in fact, to any leader seeking to motivate the masses. But in the process, the religion is always corrupted.

Unfortunately, I believe that’s what’s happened to Christianity. Over the weekend, between 87,000 and 500,000 people rallied in front of the Lincoln Memorial to hear Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin claim that America is ready to return to its traditional conservative and Christian values. “Something that is beyond man is happening,” he said. “America today begins to turn back to God. For too long, this country has wandered in darkness.”

Beck claimed that the rally has “nothing to do with politics. It has everything to do with God, turning our faith back to the values and principles that made us great.” But that, of course, is ridiculous. In the months leading up to this rally, Beck has been hard at work, on TV and on his website, making the claim that his conservative political ideology is inherent to the principles on which our country was founded, and that both are derived from the Bible and our founders’ Christian faith. In other words, it’s a package deal.

This isn’t new, it’s just the culmination of a merger between conservative politics and Christianity that has been under way since the abortion issue gave them common cause. The problem isn’t that religion has influenced politics. It’s the other way ‘round. For many Christians on the Right, believing in Jesus now means believing in small government, low taxes, free trade, free markets, gun rights, and military might; it means being against social programs, social justice, and anything that could be misrepresented as socialism; it means being a my-country-right-or-wrong patriot.

The problem is, this kind of Christianity doesn’t have much to do with the Bible, or Christ.

It’s possible to base traditional family values on Old Testament principles, as long as you read selectively and ignore the parts about stoning. But the Old Testament is no help to conservatism on the economic front: Loaning money to those in need was required, and every seven years, un-repaid debts were forgiven. Charging interest for loans was forbidden. The only lawful real estate transaction was a lease, as every 50 years, all land reverted to the families that first owned it (see Exodus 22, Leviticus 25, and Deuteronomy 15 and 23). Not exactly a market economy.

The New Testament is even less helpful to the cause. Jesus lived at a time when the Jewish nation was under the oppression of Rome, arguably a greater tyranny than the tea taxes of King George, or the health care reform of Barack Obama. Yet Jesus refused to be drawn into the politics of his day. Instead he preached the arrival of a new, other-worldly kingdom marked by mercy and generosity: “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on the earth.” “Give to everyone who asks you.” “Sell your possessions and give to the poor.” (see Matthew 6, Luke 6, and Luke 12)

My point isn’t about the merits of conservatism vs. liberalism, or small government vs. social programs. My point is that if the conservatives who claim to be Christians were really following Christ, they would spend a little less time fighting liberalism, worrying about gay marriage, and going to Glenn Beck rallies, and a lot more time finding ways to help the less fortunate. And then maybe we wouldn’t need the social programs they hate so much.

What do you think?

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As everyone is aware, true American patriots everywhere are protesting the proposed construction of a mosque two blocks from Ground Zero in NYC. Not only is it insensitive for American Muslims to try to exercise their freedom of religion, but everyone knows it’s just a cover for a giant mind-control device that will turn us all into suicide bombers.

But it’s not enough to protest. We must demand that the government seize this private property and build the Freedom Center, a monument that will show the world what America is all about!

As the image shows, the outside of Freedom Center will be mighty symbol of freedom, because it has an eagle, many flags, and Ronald Reagan!

Inside, there will be such attractions as:

Call your Congressman today and demand that the government build this mighty monument to FREEDOM!

* Such as Southern Baptist, Assemblies of God, or Non-Denominational

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The last US combat brigade leaves Iraq today (link), which raises a very important question: where should we invade protect our freedom next?

Here are some possible candidates:

Canada
1) They have oil.
2) They sponsor terror (Justin Bieber).

Europe
1) We have a moral duty to free the people of Europe from the socialist tyranny of universal health care!
2) Should be pretty easy to set up democracy there.

Mexico
1) Should be pretty easy, because most of the population is out of the country at the moment.
2) Can finally destroy Telemundo.

India
Free trade was an AMERICAN IDEA! How dare they use it against us! Give us back our call-center jobs!

Iran
Their leaders hate us, but their people still like us. Are we going to stand for that?

China
If, as the Right says, we are at war with Islam, which is 23% of the global population, why don’t we invade China and make it 43%? That would be a big step in our goal of being at war with everyone who isn’t a patriotic American!

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It’s completely obvious to any true Patriot that we must suspend the Constitution and stop the evil Muslins from building their mosque / jihad-planning-center near Ground Zero. But for those of you who aren’t convinced and therefore hate your country, here’s what WILL happen if they are allowed to build:

1. As soon as the Ground Zero Mosque is complete, mosques from all over the country will rip out of the ground and fly to New York, where they will join together to form a giant robot called Mecca-Tron!

2. Young boys and girls across America will grow full beards, and then explode.

3. Walmart will be driven out of business by Burqa-Mart.

4. Gun rights advocates will be completely confused when the government confiscates their handguns, but then gives them AK-47s and RPGs, instead.

5. On the TV show, The Bachelor, the male contestant will be able to choose not one, but four eligible ladies. But he won’t be allowed to see them or talk to them until after they’re married.

6. Black-and-white, checkered Keffiyeh scarves will come back into style, even though they only just went out of style in 2008.*

7. If you lose a library book, the librarian gets to cut off your hand.

8. Minor car accidents will be virtually eliminated when women lose the right to drive. **

9. The economy will crumble as America’s men quit their jobs to hang out in hookah lounges, drink coffee, and play backgammon.

10. Every American who is not a teenage girl will gratefully convert to Islam when Justin Bieber is kidnapped and help for ransom until he’s at least 25.

* Dammit.
** Ha ha. Just kidding ladies. But seriously, no more driving.

If you know of other horrible things that will certainly happen if they build the GZM, please add them via comments!

UPDATE: Check out History Eraser Button for a good serious post on the subject, with pictures of the “hallowed ground”.

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While the rest of the world struggles to cope with the global economic downturn and the possibility that the fledgling recovery may have stalled out, Germany has reported that its economy grew at an astonishing 9% annual pace in the last quarter. (Link)

Leaders from around the world condemned this news, accusing Germany of being in denial. In the US, White House spokesperson Andy Gibbs stated that, “We wish that our ally Germany would accept the reality of the poor economic climate we are all facing, and stop growing. Who do they think they are, China?”

Several representatives of the European Union voiced concerns for Germany’s emotional and mental health, but also expressed confidence that economic realities would force Germany to abandon its denial and move on to the other stages of grief, like anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

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A prominent association of leading economists sent shock-waves around the world yesterday, when it announced that, “It is time for our profession to admit what should already be obvious to everyone: economists can’t predict sh*t.” 

In a joint statement, issued at the 2010 World Economic Forum being held this week in New York, economists from 68 countries went on to say that,  ”Some of us always think things are getting better, some of us always think things are getting worse, and of course there’s always that one guy who thinks that everything is about to come crashing down and we’ll all be eating squirrels next year.”

Speaking on a condition of anonymity, one summit attendee stated that many prominent economic forecasts of the last 11 years were in fact produced by a single, dart-throwing chimpanzee named Gus. “It eventually dawned on everyone that we could all save some time, and possibly get better results, if we just chipped in and bought a monkey. He’s actually pretty good. Unless he’s been drinking.”

The full impact of this announcement remains unclear, but the World Bank announced that it now plans to fire its existing Chief Economist, Justin Lin, and will offer the position to Paul the Octopus, who famously predicted the winner of all of Germany’s matches, plus the final, in the 2010 world cup. (Link) “If we can’t get Paul,” said a spokesperson, “We’ll settle for a Magic 8-Ball”.

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Rather than go dark for a little while and then apologize later, I thought I’d mention what I’m up to. Besides have been both sick and on vacation, I’ve also been pondering the future of SpoonFighter.

I’ve been half-heartedly/assedly blogging here since 2005, if I remember correctly, and if I include previous URLs, quite a bit longer. This year I made a conscious push to post more frequently, and to focus on both humor and current political happenings. I’ve also done a little work to publicize the blog, although certainly not enough. What hasn’t really changed in any meaningful sense, is traffic. It’s increased a small amount, but not enough to satisfy the shameless attention-whore that I am.

There are a lot of blogs out there. What is it that makes one stand out enough to become popular? I’m not sure. I think some of my posting have been pretty good. But the people who seem to care the most about what I’ve written are the people who know me personally. The bottom line is that to become popular, any creative work has to be meaningful or entertaining to people who don’t know the creator, enough so that they keep coming back to it and plug it to their friends.

So, I’m thinking about the direction I want to take this blog.

I’m considering several options. One would be to go serious, and really try to provide thoughtful commentary on current political issues. Like no one is already doing that. Another option would be to switch topics entirely: I’ve been considering starting a new blog, at a new URL, focusing on religion and spirituality (both my own journey and my evolving perspective on American Christianity) But, I’m leaning toward “nich-ing down” on current-events satire. The Onion is still going, but my other favorite internet satire websites (Lark News, The Holy Observer, Satire Wire), have stopped publishing.

And of course, there’s always the option of ditching the written word altogether and switching to something else, like podcasting, machinima, or cat videos, etc..

What do you think?

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The fate of deposed-yet-lovable Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is finally in the hands of 12 people too dumb to get out of jury duty.

The case against Blago seems pretty solid. In 2008, when he had the opportunity to choose a replacement for the Senate seat vacated by the election of President Obama, the FBI caught him saying, “unless I get something real good for [it], [S-word], I’ll just send myself, you know what I’m saying?” and “[this] is a [F-bomb] valuable thing, you just don’t give it away for nothing.” And there’s plenty more. (link).

Blago’s defense pretty much boiled down to “that’s just politics,” “I’m just a dumb-ass,” and “I was just joking ha ha LOL.” (link)

If the jury lets him off, it will raise the question, what does it take to actually get busted for corruption? Does the FBI have to produce a receipt with the word “Bribe” on it? Does someone have to film you taking money while you sign legislation? Do you have to get caught in the act of having sex with a lobbyist in the governors office on a big pile of $100 bills?

At that point, Illinois should give up on ethics and just post an official bribery and extortion price list on www.illinois.gov.

Just sayin’.

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Following the revelation by Wikileaks that our ally Pakistan has been secretly supporting the Taliban, President Obama is expected to announce today that “Pakistan is like totally not our BFF anymore OMG!!!” in a carefully-worded text message.

Sources close to the White House* tell us that, although it has actually been aware, for some time, that “Pakistan is a complete, back-stabbing bitch,” the administration believes it must respond in some way to avoid appearing indecisive or out-of-touch, now that the information is public.

President Obama will be consulting with high-level advisers to craft the appropriate response, but some of the options known to be on the table include:

not talking to Pakistan for, like, a whole week,

writing the word “whore” on Pakistan’s locker, and

un-friending Pakistan on Facebook.

* like the crazy guy we found stumbling down E St., NW

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